The Jokes Thread

[marval]

I love the Yorkshire jokes Mike.

A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'


A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin". He explodes - look man, you've left the "e" out, you've left the "e" out!

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -

"E, she were thin".

 

[teddy]

[nitpick] would have been better to say leveret (young hare) rather than rabbit, you'll have some pedant come along and say a rabbit isn't a hare! [/nitpick]

Mike, I can't believe there would be anyone like that on this forum.

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Logical ennit?

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, if they have eggs, get 6."


A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[JHC]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old Who? wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

 

[Dorsetmike]

http://www.fun-with-words.com/ambiguous_headlines.html

 

[teddy]

Q:How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?


A:Take off your glasses.



teddy

 

[marval]

Some good humour there folks.



A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo hall and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game all on the same night.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky?! I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'


'Good grief,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well.


Margaret

 

[Dorsetmike]

The shape of things to come? (read all of it!)



Today in a grand ceremony at Portsmouth dockyard HMS Indefensible was commissioned into the Royal Navy.
Described as the most stealthy warship in the world, she is now the only vessel in the Royal Navy and replaces 2 mothballed aircraft carriers, 6 destroyers and 4 submarines.
Responding to criticism about the shrinking fleet, the MoD replied "It's not about numbers, it's about quality not quantity.
HMS Indefensible represents a revolution in naval procurement, stealthy, light and agile she will provide a highly flexible platform.
She is invisible to radar and almost immune to torpedo or missile attack. Her shallow draft makes her ideal for work in the littoral (coastal) areas.
She is also highly efficient with virtually zero carbon emissions and zero fuel consumption "
Admiral Sir James Bland added "She is ready to respond instantly to events and can be deployed to trouble spots anywhere in the world.
The RAF have promised to fly her to wherever she's needed provided (1)They are not busy (2)The weather is OK (3)There is a large airfield provided by a friendly foreign nation close by ".
Constructed by Britain's only ship builder BVATe Systems in Birmingham, taking 8 years to build, and costing just £1.5 Billion she is a triumph of British engineering.
Her forward section was built in China in 2 weeks and then shipped to the UK.
The forward section was then joined to the stern built in Birmingham and the complex technical systems installed.
However the programme was not all plain sailing and has not been without its problems,
"The original design included an outboard motor but early in the building process the Treasury insisted cost savings had to be made so out went the motor.
After some time spent on computer-modelling and research we selected oars " said a BVATe spokesperson.
Although £1.2 Billion over-budget and 3 years late, Secretary of State for Defence, William Bragg says we can all be proud
"The Type 48 programme has sustained 10,000 British manufacturing jobs in addition to 30,000 civil servants in the MoD project team.
She will represent the leading edge of British manufacturing wherever she goes and is worth every penny "
Bragg is also says he is hoping to see export orders soon although as yet there has been little interest.
Some observers have commented that her lack of any armament could be a problem but the MoD answered robustly
"The Foreign Office advised us that carrying weapons can be seen as provocative and that actually firing a weapon at someone would definitely infringe their human rights.
We considered this advice at an early stage in the design process and together with the fabulous cost-savings, the case for having no armament was overwhelming ".
Her commanding officer, Commander Rupert Tubworthy-Pollock said "To be selected from the 1,200 officers still serving in the RN for the only seagoing command available is a great privilege.
Bringing her out of build and into commission has been a huge challenge but I'm confident she will prove to be a great asset".
With a crew of just 2, she is a fine example of lean-nning, reducing running costs and lessening the RN's recruitment headaches.
Her crew, AB "soapy" Watson said "On my last ship I had to share the mess with 40 other men but on the new Type 48 sharing is far a less of a problem.
As I'm now the only rating in the Royal Navy I have a lot of responsibility ".
HMS Indefensible is expected to complete sea trials shortly, go to Plymouth for Operational Sea Training, have a short refit in Rosyth and then and be deployed as part of the new Euro-Navy task force.

 

[teddy]

This has been doing the rounds for a while, but still funny

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:-


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
TOBY HEDWORTH: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
TOBY HEDWORTH: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
TOBY HEDWORTH: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
TOBY HEDWORTH: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

PETER FARRIER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

NIGEL DAVISON: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
NIGEL DAVISON: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
NIGEL DAVISON: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
LYN RUTHERFORD: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
LYN RUTHERFORD: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

GARY DAVISON: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
GARY DAVISON: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

TOBY HEDWORTH: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
TOBY HEDWORTH: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
TOBY HEDWORTH: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
TOBY HEDWORTH: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
TOBY HEDWORTH: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
TOBY HEDWORTH: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

teddy

 

[JHC]

JHC likes this .....

 

[marval]

Good ones Mike and Teddy.



An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck.

The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table.

"This is the breast of the duck; this is the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc."

Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence.

"Well?" he finally asked, "What's this?"

The waiter replied, "It's a friend of duck."

 

[Dorsetmike]

Dirty old woman

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -how to carry his purchases home..

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.​

 

[Dorsetmike]

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the corridor in a residential home for the elderly.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightie and say "Supersex."

She went up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I think that I'll just have the soup."

 

[marval]

lol some good ones there.



A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign.

I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t budge."

The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting, but tell me what does the sign on the door say?”

The guy replies, “It says “Pull.”

 

[JHC]

The Brothel"

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[Dorsetmike]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance saying,

"Sorry, you can't come in here without...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. . . a Thai."

 

[teddy]

I don't mind you repeating my jokes Mike. It just shows you have good taste. :smirk:

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Hi Teddy, if you mean the "without a Thai" I found that on a photo forum; otherwise it's senility creeping up on me

 

[marval]

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you have got to check my leg. Something is wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me £20, I really need £20."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc put your ear to my knee!"

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need £10, just lend me £10."

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen -- err, heard -- anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and sure enough, he heard his ankle plead, "Please, I just need £15. Lend me £15 please, if you will."

"There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he flipped through several volumes. "But I can make a well-educated guess.

Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

 

[teddy]

After landing my new job as a greeter at Tesco, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Why?


About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,


'Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you have there, are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins, the oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7!
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone sh***ed you twice..?
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco.'?




My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

teddy​

​