The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
teddy
Duckmeister
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandad.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandad's room.
"Grandad, Grandad," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandad
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, were all going to Disney Land !
teddy
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandad's room.
"Grandad, Grandad," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandad
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, were all going to Disney Land !
teddy
teddy
Duckmeister
Rather a long post, but amusing
teddy
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written......
--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mai l with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never seen you.
Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
Its surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, Ill buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you dont work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
teddy
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written......
--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mai l with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never seen you.
Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
Its surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, Ill buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you dont work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
GoneBaroque
New member
Good one, Teddy,
Does the Bodmin Police Station have an unlisted telephone number?
Does the Bodmin Police Station have an unlisted telephone number?
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Police man driver along spies a lady knitting AND driving at the same time, variously steering with her knees and elbows, whilst frantically knitting.
The both pull up at the red light. Officer indicates that she should wind her window down, which she does. She says "Oh, hi officer, hope you're having a nice day?" Officer says "Pull Over!!" Lady says "No, scarf!"...
The both pull up at the red light. Officer indicates that she should wind her window down, which she does. She says "Oh, hi officer, hope you're having a nice day?" Officer says "Pull Over!!" Lady says "No, scarf!"...
teddy
Duckmeister
A lot of the police stations have been closed down. Some close at night????? You have to telephone, and usually leave a message on an answerphone. I recently left five messages over a period of three days concerning vandalism and anti social behaviour. Best way to get the police round quickly is to say you have shot someone. Chap on the radio this morning caught a burgalar on an elderly neighbours property. He tackled him, but it took the police one and a half hours to arrive. Unless its a racial insult, or a slur against someones sexuality they don't seem to bother much.
teddy
teddy
Duckmeister
ONly criminals are allowed handguns these days Colin. Licences for law abiding citizens were withdrawn some years ago. Even shotgun licences are heavily policed these days. Vicious dog. Not, they are outlawed. Leathal weapon. Not allowed. Shout at them? Yes provided you don't frighten the perpetrator, in which case you could be prosocuted or sued.
teddy
teddy
GoneBaroque
New member
Dorsetmike
Member
Yorkshire dialect jokes
They have a new way of using Ecstasy in Yorkshire,
They Inject it into the mouth
They call it E by gum
But there's also the chap who takes his cat to the vet and says, "Right lad, I needs to talk to thee about me cat."
The vet enquires, "Is it a tom?"
To which the chap replies, "Don't be daft, I've brot it wi'us."
And...
Barnsley Bill's dog dies. As Isaac (the dog) had been with him for so many years he decides to have a modest gold statuette made by yon jeweller.
Discussing his requirements with the jeweller, the jeweller asks, "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Bill smiles and says, "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger. He were a dog not a rabbit!"
They have a new way of using Ecstasy in Yorkshire,
They Inject it into the mouth
They call it E by gum
But there's also the chap who takes his cat to the vet and says, "Right lad, I needs to talk to thee about me cat."
The vet enquires, "Is it a tom?"
To which the chap replies, "Don't be daft, I've brot it wi'us."
And...
Barnsley Bill's dog dies. As Isaac (the dog) had been with him for so many years he decides to have a modest gold statuette made by yon jeweller.
Discussing his requirements with the jeweller, the jeweller asks, "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Bill smiles and says, "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger. He were a dog not a rabbit!"
teddy
Duckmeister
Got to admit I did not see this one coming teddy
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Dorsetmike
Member
[nitpick] would have been better to say leveret (young hare) rather than rabbit, you'll have some pedant come along and say a rabbit isn't a hare! [/nitpick]