The Jokes Thread

Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.
 
marval

marval

New member
I like it Mike.




Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant.

He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand pounds."

"Eighty-five thousand pounds!" the young man exclaimed.


"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Disease




Wine




Daily dose




Allergies




Médoc




1 glass




Anemia




Graves




4 glasses




High Blood Pressure




Rosé de Provence




1 bottle




Bronchitis




Bourgogne or Bordeaux
> ( + sugar and cinnamon )




3 cups




Constipation




Anjou blanc electricity .Vouvray




4 glasses




Coronary arteries




Dry Champagne




4 glasses




Diarrhea




Beaujolais Nouveau




4 glasses




Fever




Champagne sec




1 bottle




Heart




Burgundy , Santenay Rouge




Two glasses




Uric acid gout




Sancerre , Pouilly Fume




4 glasses




Hypertension




Alsace , Sancerre




4 glasses




Anxiety




Saint Emilion




4 glasses




Depression




Médoc




4 glasses




Obesity




Burgundy




4 glasses




Chlorestrol




Rosé de Provence




1 bottle




Rheumatism




Champagne




4 glasses




Excessive weight loss




Côte de Beaune




4 glasses




































Cheers!
Don't thank me. I'm only doing my job.

Dr teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Thank you Dr.Teddy, how many glasses have you had?



A woman went to the doctor's office,where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming, as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
A pirate walked into a pub .............

A pirate walked into a pub, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feels fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before..."

"AArrrrrr, well," said the pirate, "We was in a battle, and I got hit
with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "Aarrrrrrr, we was in another battle. I boarded
a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine now."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we was at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooed in me eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just
from bird poo."



"Aarrrrrr, well, it was me first day with the hook." ​
 
marval

marval

New member
Aarrrrr that be a good joke Mike.



There was a knock at the door. It wasa small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
 
marval

marval

New member
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo

"Defrost the chicken."
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days, and then 3 days. Finally on
the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Mike, Someone could be in big trouble for spreading this sort of thing
 
marval

marval

New member
I liked that Mike.


Boris,a Russian man saves his roubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered.He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells Boris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

Boris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway through the door,he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

"That's a relief!" says Boris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
 
Last edited:
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like inHeaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact,we're playing "Scheherazade," your favourite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)



Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.












Your loving daughter,
Susan
 
marval

marval

New member
lol, very funny Colin.
laughing.gif
laughing.gif



Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
It's Friday afternoon and the boss calls his salesman into the office and says that today they could close the big deal he's been working on. But it means the salesman must drive to Birmingham immediately.

Feeling lucky, the salesman immediately jumps in his car and sets of up the M1. He's making very good progress when, all of a sudden, his car breaks down. After having a look, he can see he will need assistance.

He tries the emergency phone - but it's broken. Then he attempts to flag down a passing motorist, but being Friday, they don't care and keep screaming past in their efforts to get home for the weekend.

So he sets off over the fields for help. After a while he comes across a high security double fence in the middle of nowwhere, which he is forced to go around. There are 'Keep Out' and 'Government Property' signs everywhere and guard dogs between the fences.

Shortly he arrives at the entrance gate to the establishment. He asks the guard if he can use the phone. The guard explains that 'for security reasons, they have no phones on the site'. Undeterred, he explains the urgency of his business and asks if the guard might have a car - he would willingly pay to use it. But still the answer is 'No'.

'Maybe, a bike - so I could get to town' he asks. This too gets a negative reply.

The salesman is just about to give up in frustration, when the guard says there may be a solution inside the camp. Taking the salesman through to the main courtyard, he can't believe his eyes! There is an 8 foot tall chicken running round the courtyard. The guard explains that the chicken is a result of one of their devious experiments.

'Oh,’ says the salesman - 'can I ride the chicken to Birmingham'. 'No, no' says the guard. 'We've rigged up a chariot for the chicken to pull, and we've trained it to race. Why not see if you can drive the chariot to Birmingham'.

Thinking this to be ludicrous but realising how late the time is getting, the salesman accepts. 10 minutes later, after being shown how to control the chicken, he is back on the M1 heading north.

At first the chicken and chariot is trotting along the hard shoulder slowly. The salesman wants to go faster. He cracks the whip. The chicken immediately responds and sets off down the middle lane at about 50mph. 'Wow' thinks the salesman. I wonder how fast it will go.

He cracks the whip again, this time much harder. The chicken bolts into the outside lane, braking out of the harness and disappearing over the horizon at about 90mph. The chariot, now out of control crashes violently into the central reservation resulting in a major pile-up.

As he regains consciousness, the salesman, realising the disaster which he has caused sees a policeman leaning over him and asking 'So what’s your story then?’


He replies, 'Well officer... My big 'ens gone!'
 
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