The Jokes Thread

Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story

with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell

their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher

realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm,

and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey,

a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her

parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with

the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,

and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral

to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
 
marval

marval

New member

Now that I am older, here's what Ihave discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . . .
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in thebathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to playchess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I gosomewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
 
GoneBaroque

GoneBaroque

New member
After Noah finished building the Ark he ushered all the animals on board. There were numerous objections about having the reptiles on the boat. So Noah cut down some trees and lashed them together to form a raft. The reptiles were relocated to the raft which was tied to the stern of the Ark. After sailing for several days the children on the Ark observed the snakes being actively engaged in making love. the children began to laugh. Old Man Noah saw an opportunity for learning ans said "See, even Adders can multiply on a log table!"

Rob
 
marval

marval

New member
pensioner's text talk

ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Hello, I am sending this from the A & E Department at the hospital. Apparently the Dyson Ball Vacuam Cleaner isnt what I thought it was.

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
I was explaining to my wife about re-incarnation.

You have to come back as a different creature - I said
I would like to come back as a cow - she replied
No - I said - Youre not listening............

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

teddy
 
Corno Dolce

Corno Dolce

Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
A true anecdote that is also a joke:

Dr. Paul Erdos(sounds like airdish)a world-class Mathematician, had tea and crumpets one sunday afternoon with a female acquaintance. During their repast Dr. Erdos noticed the woman's cat slink by - Dr. Erdos huffed: FASCIST CAT!!! The woman shrieked: MY CAT IS NOT A FASCIST!!! Dr. Erdos retorted: Madam, tell that to the mouse.............
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Just been down to the County Court on a business matter. Was searched and found to be carrying a small penknife with a 2 1/2 inch blade. Informed the guards rthat I was not a Taliban terrorist. Was informed by the officials that that sort of language was not used in the court, to which I promptly replied, - Yes it is by me - and that I would continue to make such comments until commom sense was restored and PC was finally dead.
Apparently I am now not popular with them. How will I ever sleep at night.

teddy bin moanin
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Take Aways


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he
beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked
by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed
them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and
shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?"

WAIT FOR IT !!!

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Groan Teddy, no to be honest I laughed my socks off. Well I would have if I had been wearing any.


Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
A six year old girl came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said,"How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
 
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