The Jokes Thread
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marval
New member
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighbourhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbours were fixing fish.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic.
They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lent season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighbourhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The men could not believe their noses. What was going on? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Margaret
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic.
They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lent season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighbourhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The men could not believe their noses. What was going on? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Margaret
teddy
Duckmeister
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."
teddy
teddy
teddy
Duckmeister
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'ï teddy
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'ï teddy
teddy
Duckmeister
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With
the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew
you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will
be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy
has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in
the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy
can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know
how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you
can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk? I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home.
teddy
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With
the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew
you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings', tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will
be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy
has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in
the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy
can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know
how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you
can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk? I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home.
teddy
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
Good one, Teddy. Kind of puts things in their proper perspective, I'd say.
marval
New member
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Happy St.George's day
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Happy St.George's day
marval
New member
A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Elton John release's new song Sandals in the bin to commemorate the death of bin Laden.
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
@ Marval and Contratrombone64 :lol:
Dorsetmike
Member
Brilliant David - "Sandals in the bin", love it.
Dorsetmike
Member
Subject: Bin Laden - Alibi - definitely not us wot done it guv!
Britain has issued a statement after the death of Osama saying that we we're not responsible.
It's a bank holiday and we don't take bins out on a bank holiday
!
(translation bins = trash)
Britain has issued a statement after the death of Osama saying that we we're not responsible.
It's a bank holiday and we don't take bins out on a bank holiday
(translation bins = trash)
marval
New member
A blond decides to do something she's never done before - rent a dirty movie.
She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes her way to the adult section in the back.
After looking around at titles, she selects something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen.
She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"
The blond replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
Margaret
She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes her way to the adult section in the back.
After looking around at titles, she selects something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen.
She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"
The blond replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
Margaret
Dorsetmike
Member
Dunno if this one's appeared before, but it's still topical
THE RECESSION HITS EVERYBODY
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
THE RECESSION HITS EVERYBODY
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.