The Jokes Thread

Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Did you hear about the taxidermist who mounted the pavement?

Or the taxi driver who ran over himself?

He was alone and wanted some coffee from the café across trhe road so he ran over himself.

They get worse ... ... ...

Beam me up Scotty
spacecraft.gif
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
A blonde phones the firebridade to report that her house is on fire. "we'll come at once" said the fireman "how do we get there"?

"DUH" said the blonde "In the big red engine!"
 
marval

marval

New member
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Two men were discussing retirement.

" The wife asked me what I was doing today. I told her nothing. She said - you did that yesterday.

I said yes = but I hadn't finished.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
(This will mean more to the UK members, unless you watch reruns of old UK TV series)

There was a magical lady who brought back to life a whole field of cows one bitingly cold winter's morning - their hooves were frozen to the very ground. She was a little old lady with a friendly face, who just walked among the cows and instantly, they were free of winter's icy grip.
Her name....?








... Go on.... You know surely...








...Thora Hird......
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

"We'll have a new one."
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
marval said:
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
Click to expand...

I wish I got the joke but I'm just too stupid obviously ... sigh.
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Harking back to earlier times at the cinema when you could go in at any time during the performance, and usually (if honest) leave when the programme got to the point in the film that was showing when you entered.
 
White Knight

White Knight

Spectral Warrior con passion
David and Mike, I think that it's also that the second half kickoff looks exactly the same as the opening one, especially to the "uninitiated" non-fans, as apparently the two ladies in question were.
p.s. David, you are not stupid!
 
marval

marval

New member
Sorry David, you are not stupid. Steve is right, the second half started just like the first half. It wasn't really that funny anyway.


Margaret
 
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marval

marval

New member
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived them."
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Stair lift

I was wondering if I should go for one of the new express stair lifts, so that hopefully I can still remember what I wanted upstairs when I get there.

muttley.gif
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Nah, the real problem is when you stop halfway and can't recall if you're going up or down.

It's especially bad if you live in a bungalow.
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
When it started they wanted a house, but ran out of money so had to bung a low roof on it.

Alternatively it was a bit of a bungle (and they still) owe for it
 
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