The Jokes Thread

[teddy]

MEDICAL UPDATE​

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Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! ​

This is good to know!! ​

MEDICAL RESEARCH

>

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Australian Medical Association researchers have found ​

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit ​

from receiving chicken blood ​

rather than human blood. ​

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.... ​

Just thought you'd like to know. ​

​

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED, ​

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT! ​

OK, I'll be going to my room now. ​

 

[Dorsetmike]

Nurse, double dose for him tonight !!

 

[Dorsetmike]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the Breed.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to Elfnsafety Standard.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell : I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheepdog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : 'Yo quiero Taco Bulb' or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Sheepdog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?


Cats do not change light bulbs.



People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a stroke?'

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE OWNERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

 

[marval]

Thanks Martin and Teddy, glad you liked it.

What are you on Teddy?

I have seen yours before Mike, still good though.


Margaret

 

[marval]

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget.

The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent.

They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape.

This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit.

The following was printed in the paper the next day.

Small medium at large.


Margaret

 

[Dorsetmike]

Margaret, that one's almost as bad as the one about the lunatic that escaped, raped 3 women in a launderette and ran off

Headline read

Nut screws washers and bolts

 

[teddy]

I cant help feeling martin would be a lot happier if he spent more time on this thread

teddy

 

[marval]

This thread certainly does put a smile on our faces.




A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

The head nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

The head nurse said, “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The patient said, “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”


Margaret

 

[Dorsetmike]

Bit of Deja vu there Margaret, you posted that one on Saturday (previous page 176)

 

[teddy]

CRAFT?

teddy

 

[marval]

Definately CRAFT, sorry folks.


Margaret

 

[teddy]

Its OK Margaret. I wanted to read it twice anyway.

teddy

 

[marval]

Thank you Teddy.


Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

 

[Mat]

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming.
Karma's a b*tch.

Sincerely,
The Titanic

 

[Contratrombone64]

LOL @ Mat

 

[Mat]

II

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,
The Unicorns

 

[teddy]

LOL

teddy

 

[teddy]

John and Mike (names chosen at random) were fishing.
John turns to Mike and says " I think I'll divorce the wife. She hasn't spoken to me for two months".
Mike replies " Don't be too hasty, women like that are hard to find".

teddy

 

[musicalis]

the shrimp

I'll try to translate a French joke.

Two little girls are playing on the beach. One of them finds a dead shrimp, picked it up and puts it in her pants.
- "Why do you do that ?, asks the other girl.
- "It's to smell like adult women. "

 

[marval]

lol some very funny jokes there.


Have you heard about the horse that retrained as a Blacksmith ?

The farmer opened the stable door and startled the horse , and the horse make a bolt for the door.


This cowboy rushed into the saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?"

There was silence in the saloon. 'Own up if you dare," shouted the cowboy.

With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"

The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like know, the first coat's dry!"