The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
:lol: Margaret :lol:
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
*rolls eyes* @ Margaret
Alban Berg
Banned
People jumping from the bridge to the river in Paris are in Seine.
Martin
Martin
Hawk Henries
New member
LOL@ Martin~That is really a groaner. 
Alban Berg
Banned
Thanks
This one is for the Scottish:
A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor...
... as to whether the fare was 20 pence or 22 pence. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge. The suitcase landed with a splash.
"Mon!" screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough that you try to overcharge me, but now you are trying to drown my little boy!"
LOL@ Martin~That is really a groaner.
This one is for the Scottish:
A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor...
... as to whether the fare was 20 pence or 22 pence. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge. The suitcase landed with a splash.
"Mon!" screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough that you try to overcharge me, but now you are trying to drown my little boy!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
Alban Berg
Banned
Sometimes some people think you got it...but you didn't:
=============================It was his own blood!
Martin
One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave.
One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.
One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.
He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.
"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"
"Yes," the other bat replied.
"Well, I didn't."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.=============================It was his own blood!
Martin
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
:lol: Martin, all three of your jokes are very witty and funny indeed. Thank You for sharing them. I really needed a good laugh today! :grin:
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
So long as you don't stray further south Carlos
marval
New member
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone.
She is all excited - she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi dear," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, love?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at the supermarket?"
She is all excited - she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi dear," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, love?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at the supermarket?"
Alban Berg
Banned
Musicians...
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Dorsetmike
Member
Or some other fowl reason.
Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.
Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)
C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Fox Mulder : It was a government conspiracy.
Fox Mulder 2 : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Scully : It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.
Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)
C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Fox Mulder : It was a government conspiracy.
Fox Mulder 2 : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Scully : It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
marval
New member
Very good Mat.
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
The head nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”
The head nurse said, “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
The patient said, “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”
Margaret
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
The head nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”
The head nurse said, “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
The patient said, “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to my surgeon!”
Margaret
Alban Berg
Banned
No Joke
Now: Windows Azure...
http://www.microsoft.com/en-ca/cloud/developer/default.aspx?CR_CC=200031686&WT.mc_id=SEARCH&WT.srch=1
Now: Windows Azure...
http://www.microsoft.com/en-ca/cloud/developer/default.aspx?CR_CC=200031686&WT.mc_id=SEARCH&WT.srch=1
marval
New member
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.
You won't know the house when you get home - we have moved.
About your father - he has a lovely new job.
He has 500 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been working to good.
Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in Dublin Brewery.Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for a few minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmothers plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
Your loving Mother. x x
P.S I was going to send you ten pounds but I had already sealed the envelope.
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.
I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.
You won't know the house when you get home - we have moved.
About your father - he has a lovely new job.
He has 500 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been working to good.
Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in Dublin Brewery.Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for a few minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmothers plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
Your loving Mother. x x
P.S I was going to send you ten pounds but I had already sealed the envelope.