The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
marval
New member
Hi John
When we had a complaint the double glazing company definitely didn't have a sense of humour. We got the problem sorted for free eventually.
Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flushes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.
Margaret
When we had a complaint the double glazing company definitely didn't have a sense of humour. We got the problem sorted for free eventually.
Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flushes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.
Margaret
Dorsetmike
Member
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the
house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo
all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But
mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are
too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided
to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her
smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the
yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.. All morning long, Janet
watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she
decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a
helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a
fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed,
socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.. About then, the helper lady from
town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the
doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be
fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now." and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about
this time the helper lady came in and said,
"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the
house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo
all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But
mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are
too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided
to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her
smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the
yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.. All morning long, Janet
watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she
decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a
helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a
fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed,
socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.. About then, the helper lady from
town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the
doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be
fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now." and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about
this time the helper lady came in and said,
"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian solders were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed into his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian"?
To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed into his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian"?
teddy
Duckmeister
A new Tesco supermarket opened in Gillingham. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
In the seafood department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of the ocean greets you.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
teddy
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.
In the seafood department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of the ocean greets you.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
teddy
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ teddles - kind of saw that coming!
Dorsetmike
Member
They'd need to send me a microscope
teddy
Duckmeister
Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree because it may be
offencive to foreigners or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety regulation as its deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be an activist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The Logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?
7.Teaching! ! Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry as his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securities debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some foreign loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment benefit for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they say they speak no English, and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense than to prosecute. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8.Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج 80 من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20
teddy
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree because it may be
offencive to foreigners or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety regulation as its deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be an activist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The Logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?
7.Teaching! ! Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry as his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securities debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some foreign loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment benefit for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they say they speak no English, and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense than to prosecute. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8.Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج 80 من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20
teddy
marval
New member
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
Margaret
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
Margaret
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
Margaret, great to have you back again. Your joke is very funny as well.
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
I missed you too, Margaret. Welcome back indeed!
marval
New member
Thank you Steve, another joke for you.
The veterinarian told a blonde that her dog needed a lot more exercise. "You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch the ball."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
Margaret
The veterinarian told a blonde that her dog needed a lot more exercise. "You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch the ball."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
Margaret
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
Marval, Bravo! :clap: