Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
*groans* @ Margaret
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Hawk Henries
New member
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Hawksie - nice to see ya.
Dorsetmike
Member
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
teddy
Duckmeister
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her bag and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some a&%$$*e's got my pen!'
teddy
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
Bravo, Mike and Teddy! :lol: :lol:
Dorsetmike
Member
Groaners
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
--------------------------------
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!
----------------------
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
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My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
"Morning." I said.
"No" he replied, "just having a pee"
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
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A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
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I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
------------------------------
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
-----------------------------
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said English speaking Doctor -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why dont we have them in our country?'
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
-----------------------------
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
--------------------------------
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!
----------------------
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
------------------------------
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
---------------------------
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
----------------------------
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
"Morning." I said.
"No" he replied, "just having a pee"
----------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
----------------------------------------
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
-------------------------------
A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
-----------------------------
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
------------------------------
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
-----------------------------
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said English speaking Doctor -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why dont we have them in our country?'
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
Mike, what does chuffed mean?
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ DorestMike (though, to be clear, I only laughed at some of them, not all)
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
you are dopey:grin:
Dorsetmike
Member
Sorry about that Steve, I thought I'd eliminated the more UK based referrences, originally "chuff" is onomatopeic describing the sound of a steam train
Here's a couple more (with translations for non UK members)
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I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guys heading for a breakdown.
(RAC - Royal Automobile Club -- roadside recovery service)
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The lead actor in the local Christmas pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him
(traditional audience response to "the villain/wicked witch" creeping up on one of the "heroes/innocents" --- "He's behind you")
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Snow White
New member
dearest teddy I think they must haved a bad night
marval
New member
lol, they really made me smile Mike.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm elderly doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales bloke had told me last year, that in one year these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Margaret
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm elderly doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales bloke had told me last year, that in one year these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Margaret