The Jokes Thread
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- Start date
marval
New member
A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.
After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.
"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.
After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.
"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
No, I am not the vindictive kind I will have a chat with my mates "The headhunter mob" :crazy:
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
marval
New member
Good ones Colin, I shalll remember what not to do when buying a winnebago.
A man took his young son to the bank with him to transact some business. Since it was lunchtime, there were a lot of people waiting their turn in the queues. They took their place in line directly behind a woman who was the epitome of corporate fashion.
She was wearing a designer executive business suit, and carrying an expensive leather brief case with a matching shoulder bag that had a pager clipped to it.
After several minutes in line, the boy remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen"
"Sshh,” he said “You shouldn't talk about people like that. You will hurt their feelings."
After several more minutes, the boy again remarked “Dad, that woman has the biggest bottom I have ever seen”
The dad replied, “I said not to talk about people like that. Just be quiet and it will be our turn shortly."
Just as he finished speaking, the woman's pager went off. Beep.. beep .. beep .. beep
The son said "Look out Dad, she’s backing up.”
A man took his young son to the bank with him to transact some business. Since it was lunchtime, there were a lot of people waiting their turn in the queues. They took their place in line directly behind a woman who was the epitome of corporate fashion.
She was wearing a designer executive business suit, and carrying an expensive leather brief case with a matching shoulder bag that had a pager clipped to it.
After several minutes in line, the boy remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen"
"Sshh,” he said “You shouldn't talk about people like that. You will hurt their feelings."
After several more minutes, the boy again remarked “Dad, that woman has the biggest bottom I have ever seen”
The dad replied, “I said not to talk about people like that. Just be quiet and it will be our turn shortly."
Just as he finished speaking, the woman's pager went off. Beep.. beep .. beep .. beep
The son said "Look out Dad, she’s backing up.”
Dorsetmike
Member
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 56 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 56 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 56 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 56 a lot more times than 56 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 56 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 56 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 56 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 56 a lot more times than 56 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
teddy
Duckmeister
Tom the cowherd was trying to make time with Dolly the milkmaid but without success. Till one day he got her alone in the hayloft and had his wicked way.
That was nice - said Dolly - I didn't know men had one of those.
Ah - said Tom - I am the only one that has one of those so if you want some fun you will have to come to me.
Everything went smoothly until Tom went away to market for a week. When he came back Dolly seemed a little subdued.
I thought you said you were the only man who had one of those - she said.
I happen to know that Fred the smithy has one as well
Ah - said Tom thinking quickly - I had two of them so I gave one to Fred cause hes my best friend.
Well your not only a liar - responded Dolly- Your a fool as well, YOU GAVE FRED THE BEST ONE!
That was nice - said Dolly - I didn't know men had one of those.
Ah - said Tom - I am the only one that has one of those so if you want some fun you will have to come to me.
Everything went smoothly until Tom went away to market for a week. When he came back Dolly seemed a little subdued.
I thought you said you were the only man who had one of those - she said.
I happen to know that Fred the smithy has one as well
Ah - said Tom thinking quickly - I had two of them so I gave one to Fred cause hes my best friend.
Well your not only a liar - responded Dolly- Your a fool as well, YOU GAVE FRED THE BEST ONE!
Hawk Henries
New member
Good ones!! Margaret Mike and Teddy
Dorsetmike
Member
I gloo - what you use to repair an Apple product
Dorsetmike
Member
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother in law”
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother in law”
teddy
Duckmeister
My Living Will
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!
The little b"$%&%$s .........
teddy
teddy
Duckmeister
Dorsetmike
Member
An oldy but goody, posted just in case anybody missed it
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2010.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2011, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2011, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please!
Upset
Thanks and regards
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2010.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2011, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2011, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please!
Upset
Thanks and regards
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
"Technical Support"
Mike, :lol: :bawl:because how true indeed!
Mike, :lol: :bawl:because how true indeed!
John Watt
Member
It was just another busy day in heaven,
when Saint Peter looked down the golden road and saw Dolly Parton and Princess Diana, walking towards the golden gates.
He messaged God, asking about letting them in, and God said you can only let one in, you decide.
So when they both approached the gate, wanting to be let in, Saint Peter said I have to ask a question.
He said, Mrs. Parton, what were you doing when you passed away?
Dolly thought for a few seconds, and cupped her breasts towards him,
saying, I was standing naked in front of a mirror, thinking of adding a couple pints.
Saint Peter said to Princess Diana, what were you doing when you passed away?
Princess Diana looked upset, and said, "Oh no, how can I say this in front of an angel of The Lord? I was sitting on a toilet."
Saint Peter said to Princess Diana, please, come right in.
Dolly says, how come she gets picked?
Saint Peter said, "A royal flush beats a pair".
when Saint Peter looked down the golden road and saw Dolly Parton and Princess Diana, walking towards the golden gates.
He messaged God, asking about letting them in, and God said you can only let one in, you decide.
So when they both approached the gate, wanting to be let in, Saint Peter said I have to ask a question.
He said, Mrs. Parton, what were you doing when you passed away?
Dolly thought for a few seconds, and cupped her breasts towards him,
saying, I was standing naked in front of a mirror, thinking of adding a couple pints.
Saint Peter said to Princess Diana, what were you doing when you passed away?
Princess Diana looked upset, and said, "Oh no, how can I say this in front of an angel of The Lord? I was sitting on a toilet."
Saint Peter said to Princess Diana, please, come right in.
Dolly says, how come she gets picked?
Saint Peter said, "A royal flush beats a pair".
marval
New member
lol, some good humour there folks.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. 'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.
'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.
'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. 'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.
'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.
'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.