Hawk Henries
New member
Don't know if this is real but either way doesn't sound to appetizing to me ~ 
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Dorsetmike
Member
Looks like a bum deal Hawk.
teddy
Duckmeister
Today a German tourist bravely jumped into rough seas at Herne Bay to rescue a dog. Bringing him back onto the promenade he checked the dog over and returned him to his concerned owner.
"Zer dog is fine und vil be OK" he pronounced.
The owner asked him if he was a vet.
"Vet" he replied "I'm %$£*&& soaking"
teddy
"Zer dog is fine und vil be OK" he pronounced.
The owner asked him if he was a vet.
"Vet" he replied "I'm %$£*&& soaking"
teddy
marval
New member
Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.
Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"
He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have "supervision", and I wear glasses!"
Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"
He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have "supervision", and I wear glasses!"
teddy
Duckmeister
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
> > right and you need to shut up.
> >
> > (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
> > Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
> > minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
> >
> > (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
> > you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
> > in fine.
> >
> > (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
> >
> > (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
> > often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
> > and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
> > about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
> >
> > (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can
> > make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
> > deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..
> >
> > (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
> > you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
> > says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at
> > all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
> >
> > (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- off!
> >
> > (9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
> > this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
> > now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
> > For the woman's response refer to # 3.
> >
1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
> > right and you need to shut up.
> >
> > (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
> > Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
> > minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
> >
> > (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
> > you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
> > in fine.
> >
> > (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
> >
> > (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
> > often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
> > and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
> > about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
> >
> > (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can
> > make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
> > deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..
> >
> > (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
> > you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she
> > says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at
> > all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
> >
> > (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- off!
> >
> > (9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
> > this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
> > now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
> > For the woman's response refer to # 3.
> >
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
A couple of one liners,
I havent spoke to my mother in law for the last five years!..........I just dont like to interrupt!!!
two snowmen in a field, one says to the other.....
can you smell carrots?
And
An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!" :grin:
I havent spoke to my mother in law for the last five years!..........I just dont like to interrupt!!!
two snowmen in a field, one says to the other.....
can you smell carrots?
And
An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!" :grin:
White Knight
Spectral Warrior con passion
Teddy and J.H.C.-- :lol::lol:
marval
New member
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’
The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’
The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’
The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’
Hawk Henries
New member
MargaretIn the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
teddy
Duckmeister
Having examined the man the doctor left him to dress and went out to talk to the wife.
" Its a very very unusual condition" said the doctor. " the only hope of saving his life is to make love to him five or six times a day".
The wife was thinking this over when the husband reappeared.
"Well what did he say? asked the man.
"Your going to die" replied his wife.
" Its a very very unusual condition" said the doctor. " the only hope of saving his life is to make love to him five or six times a day".
The wife was thinking this over when the husband reappeared.
"Well what did he say? asked the man.
"Your going to die" replied his wife.
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
For any golfers in MILF
Subject: Fw: Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto,
the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your
parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International
competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What
did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water
cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed
because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping Rapture,
with the 460cc titanium head golf club with the Aldila VS Pro
65gram graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep I love this forum."
Subject: Fw: Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto,
the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your
parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International
competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What
did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water
cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed
because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping Rapture,
with the 460cc titanium head golf club with the Aldila VS Pro
65gram graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep I love this forum."