The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
Sorry Teddy and Mike, I suppose I must get the chop.


Good one Hawk.


One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour, the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
 
Hawk Henries

Hawk Henries

New member
Teach a Man to Fish​
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
WOMENS VERSION:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish - and you've got the whole weekend to yourself.​
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

"It's OK", he says, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night, and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."

"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."

"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
One for the bridge players -


Applying for a new position as a cleaning lady, the woman was asked why she had left her previous job.

"I just wasn't comfortable with their immoral behavior," she replied.

"Really? Like what did they do?"

"Well, they played some sexual game they called 'Bridge'. One night I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.'

"Then another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' And another man said, 'Take your hand off my trick!'

"A woman said, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.'

"Another woman talked about 'protecting her honor'. And another woman said, 'It's time for me to play with your husband and you to play with mine.'

"But the final straw was when I heard, 'It's time to go home. This is the last rubber'!"
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
: The Recession...





The Recession hits everybody.....
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally..Wait for it.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

don't blame me it came in the mail :cry::cry:
 
marval

marval

New member
Good ones folks.


A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits.

"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax.

What will happen to her, doctor?," the mother inquired.

"Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"





Margaret
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Irish bar


“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 
marval

marval

New member
HaHa Colin.



Join Now

Free Membership if you join within the next 30 days!


I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

I will get dressed before noon.

I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

I will read a book... I think I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.

I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my cheque book because I was too busy on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!


Margaret
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling.

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With all the others, I was awake."
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Hospital Visiting Hours are 10-11 AM & 7- 8 PM
 
marval

marval

New member
lol @ Mike, very funny.



Linda visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Very impressed, but visibly shaken, Linda stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: “Will I be acquitted?


Margaret
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Worried your pension will run short, ?

Senior health care solution -

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
 
Hawk Henries

Hawk Henries

New member
A Maine joke...


Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."

and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."

Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
 
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