The Jokes Thread

[marval]

lol @ Colin and Teddy.



This man said to me, “I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away.”I said: “That’s a bit far-fetched.”

So I was in the jungle and I saw this monkey with a tin-opener. I said: “You don’t need a tin-opener to peel a banana.” He said: “I know, this is for the custard.”

I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.

Someone said to me that lemons were very sharp so I tried using one to carve a turkey.

So I went to the cinema and I saw a very sad film. The man behind me suddenly started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.

I was in this car wash and I started foaming at the mouth. I thought, I’m not having this, so I cycled out again.

So I went to the local pub. I drank a bottle of wine and lost my iPhone. I got arrested for being drunk and disorganised.

My favourite film is the Clint Eastwood classic Unforgiven. At the moment they’re working on a sequel. It’s called Look, I Said I’m Sorry.

So I went down the local video shop. I said: “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said: “He’s not your type.” I said: “Can I have Batman Forever?” He said: “No, you’ve got to bring it back tomorrow.” I said: “What about Another 48 Hours?” He said. “Tomorrow.”

I was having dinner with chess champion Gary Kasparov and we had a black-and-white tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I find the hardest thing about voting with your feet is doing a handstand in the polling booth.

 

[teddy]

WARNING

If you get any e-mails regarding catching swine flu from tined pork,- ignore them.

Its just spam

teddy

 

[teddy]

I am sick to death of geting phone calls, e-mails and texts after my dog savaged two foul mouthed yobos to death

IT IS NOT FOR SALE!

teddy

 

[teddy]

Sainsburys

Didn't like shopping there anyway Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's
store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the
checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended
up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive
care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's
a**e and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?
"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE BLOODY FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

 

[teddy]

Good one Mike

teddy

 

[marval]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

[Hawk Henries]

Margaret + Mike

 

[JHC]

Sainsburys

Didn't like shopping there anyway Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's
store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the
checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little
to do, ..............................etc etc etc

Nothing wrong with your eyes teddy uh :grin:

 

[Soubasse]

A married couple were watching TV and the husband kept switching between a fishing channel and a porn channel. The wife eventually became very annoyed and shouted: "Oh for god's sake, just leave it on the porn. You already know how to fish!"

 

[Soubasse]

Oh yes, and (from a fellow-organ afficianado on another forum who may well be here also but I just haven't twigged who he is yet ):

The tremulant was malfunctioning on the church organ.
The assistant pulled the draw-knob and a loud, wooden, clacking echoed from the loft.
"Oh dear!", he cried: "what is that noise? It sounds like some male deer rattling their antlers together!"
"you're near right", replied the head organist: "That's the 'hear bucks' stop."

 

[White Knight]

I am sick to death of geting phone calls, e-mails and texts after my dog savaged two foul mouthed yobos to death

IT IS NOT FOR SALE!

teddy

Teddy, hi. I was wondering what yobo means. Thanks, Steve

 

[White Knight]

:lol: Dear Teddy and Dorsetmike, vis a vis your "Sainsburys" and "flatmate" posts: BRAVO! :banana: :tiphat: :lol: Just one question, though, Teddy, is Sainsburys some kind of department store, like Walmart's or Sears over here?

 

[Dorsetmike]

Sainsbury's is a UK supermarket chain, our "supermarkets" temd to be mainly food outlets, though the larger branches are moving towards departmental stores. Sainsburys tend to be thought of as a bit more upmarket compared to Tesco and Asda by people with more money than sense.

 

[teddy]

Steve a yobo is another name for a scumbag. In other words a rough type who likes to cause trouble and throw his weighy around .

teddy

 

[JHC]

Steve a yobo is another name for a scumbag. In other words a rough type who likes to cause trouble and throw his weighy around .

teddy

Like a chav??:grin:

 

[teddy]

Yes Colin, but more aggressive, rather than just thick.

teddy

 

[White Knight]

Like a chav??:grin:

Thanks Colin and Teddy. Now what on earth might a chav be?

 

[JHC]

Thanks Colin and Teddy. Now what on earth might a chav be?

To my understanding it means[Council house and violent] some one will correct me if I'm wrong. it is a person that occupies a council house which is a house that has been paid for by the tax payer who also pays for damage and upkeep and in general becomes the property of the government, it is to house those that can not afford to buy a house of their own and has a very low rent.

 

[White Knight]

To my understanding it means[Council house and violent] some one will correct me if I'm wrong. it is a person that occupies a council house which is a house that has been paid for by the tax payer who also pays for damage and upkeep and in general becomes the property of the government, it is to house those that can not afford to buy a house of their own and has a very low rent.

Colin, thanks. It sounds somewhat like our NYC Housing Projects; hopefully not as crime ridden and brutally violent as some of the ones I've seen and worked in thru the years. I guess our equivalent term for chav would be skel.