The Jokes Thread
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Hawk Henries
New member
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Dorsetmike
Member
Grrrrrrroooooaaaaaaaaannnnnnn
Hawk Henries
New member
marval
New member
Oh no, what a groan. lol
There was a blonde driving down the centre of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."
The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license; I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? It says so right here: 'Tear along the Dotted Line'."
There was a blonde driving down the centre of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."
The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license; I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? It says so right here: 'Tear along the Dotted Line'."
Hawk Henries
New member
Oh Now that was a BAD one Margaret ~ 
Hawk Henries
New member
A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him. After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services. The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?" She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex". “He says, “Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"
Dorsetmike
Member
A little old lady was driving along teh motorway steering with her knees whilst knitting;
A traffic cop pulled alongside and shouted "Pullover"
She turned to him and yelled "no it's a scarf"
A traffic cop pulled alongside and shouted "Pullover"
She turned to him and yelled "no it's a scarf"
marval
New member
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested to the gentleman lobster to get them each an ice cream.
Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.
By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed "Where are the ice creams?"
"Well," he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish creep!!"
Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.
By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.
When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed "Where are the ice creams?"
"Well," he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish creep!!"
Dorsetmike
Member
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Comet or Curries, most of the money will go to Asia.
* If you spend it on petrol, most your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Kenya, Zimbabwe, Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Dorsetmike
Member
Hawk Henries
New member
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
marval
New member
An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!"
The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work.
But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole six months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.
When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness.
"At last", he said, .... "I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"
The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work.
But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole six months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.
When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness.
"At last", he said, .... "I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"
Dorsetmike
Member
Ewe will have to pay, that was really Baaaaaaaaaaaa d.
Hawk Henries
New member
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
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