JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Yeh, a real bossy boots eh
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
marval
New member
An ant knocks on the door of a house.
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
Because they are now tenants.
Margaret
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
Because they are now tenants.
Margaret
marval
New member
lol @ Teddy.
If you see a fat man
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!
Margaret
If you see a fat man
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it…
Your eggnog’s too strong!!!
Margaret
Dorsetmike
Member
Is that the devil's advocaat?
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Would you belive Eggnog Colin?
Margaret
I believe anyone Margaret :grin:
Dorsetmike
Member
Christmas parrot
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
. .
.
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
. .
.
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
marval
New member
Oh groan Mike lol
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1.Running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredibly long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Margaret
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1.Running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredibly long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Margaret
Dorsetmike
Member
TURKEY RECIPE
I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes
theuse of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found
thisrecipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not
surehow to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give
this atry.
8 - 15 lb. turkey - (depends how many you'r cooking for)
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup un-popped popcorn
Salt/pepperto taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt andpepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,... it's done.
And, you thought I didn't cook...
I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes
theuse of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found
thisrecipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not
surehow to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give
this atry.
8 - 15 lb. turkey - (depends how many you'r cooking for)
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup un-popped popcorn
Salt/pepperto taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt andpepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,... it's done.
And, you thought I didn't cook...
marval
New member
Vodka is very useful
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, Saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, Clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka And letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains, Scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face. As an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, And stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka And spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9 Pour one-half cup vodka And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, Pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar With freshly packed lavender flowers, Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly And set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, Then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a wash cloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odour, Wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect And alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy To remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me! I've only been drinking the stuff.
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, Saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, Clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka And letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on wine stains, Scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face. As an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, And stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka And spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9 Pour one-half cup vodka And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, Pain or black eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar With freshly packed lavender flowers, Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly And set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, Then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a wash cloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
12. To cure foot odour, Wash your feet with vodka.
13 Vodka will disinfect And alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy To remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me! I've only been drinking the stuff.
Hawk Henries
New member
Here's a bad one~
Knock Knock....
Knock Knock....
Hawk Henries
New member
...Owl...
Hawk Henries
New member
That's right!!!!! 
(groan)
Told you it was a bad one
(groan) Told you it was a bad one