The Jokes Thread

teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to

"Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and It all comes out in the end. Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Analysis and It all comes out in the end. Cysts."
Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.

Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
DUCKS

Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them togetherWith the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deservebeing
Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,

BUT I STEPPED ON A DUCK!!!
 
marval

marval

New member
lol, good ones Teddy.


An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Margaret.

Did you say ducks .. and......shoot................................................................................................
 
marval

marval

New member
Oops sorry Teddy, just for you


Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.


Margaret
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Did you hear that they've invented the ultimate safety gear against being eaten in a shark attack


Its a Tee Shirt with the slogan: "Australia will win the Ashes" Apparently not even a Great White will swallow that
smile.gif
 
marval

marval

New member
lol Mike, I like it.


I got into a fight with a doorbell salesman the other day. It was a right ding-dong.


Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.


Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."


 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.


Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."


 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.


Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."


 
Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
Hmm, which one should I laugh at? Teddy's or Margaret's?
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
A few days ago I pressed cut instead of copy and lost an important pass word
 
marval

marval

New member
lol @ Teddy, the first sign of sinility is sending an e-mail twice. The second sign is when you realise you have sent it to yourself. (If you can do that.)

I am sorry you lost a password Colin. I have a safe and secure programme on my computer, where I store all my passwords.


Margaret
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Colin, could you not have followed up cut with paste, thereby saving it, even if it was not where you initially wanted it.

teddy
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
marval said:
I am sorry you lost a password Colin. I have a safe and secure programme on my computer, where I store all my passwords.


Margaret
Click to expand...

I keep all of mine in a folder marked Pass Words etc, its on the desktop so that I don't have to search for it

teddy said:
Colin, could you not have followed up cut with paste, thereby saving it, even if it was not where you initially wanted it.

teddy
Click to expand...
I did follow up with paste, in the progrem box that asked for p/w, it was not untill I needed that program again that I realised what I had done
I now keep them on line
 
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