The Jokes Thread
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Hawk Henries
New member
Margaret I enjoyed your lists of computer related matierial. 
While reading the second list I found myself including the end punctuation (.) and read it as dot instead of letting it signify the end of the sentence...toooooo much computer for this guy
While reading the second list I found myself including the end punctuation (.) and read it as dot instead of letting it signify the end of the sentence...toooooo much computer for this guy
Hawk Henries
New member
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
[SIZE=-1] The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] more?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] What do you get when you have 32 Arkansas lawyers in the same room?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] A full set of teeth.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Everyone has the same DNA.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Almost took out the whole trailer park.[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1] A new law was recently passed in Arkansas:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] more?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] What do you get when you have 32 Arkansas lawyers in the same room?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] A full set of teeth.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Everyone has the same DNA.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Almost took out the whole trailer park.[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1] A new law was recently passed in Arkansas:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.[/SIZE]
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
I suddenly realised how difficult it is to be a woman :grin::grin:
I took my speakers to a professional computer shop yesterday late in the afternoon and told the teenager behind the desk of my problems. He plugged them in one of the computers there, and beautiful music came out of my own speakers.
I guess he thought I was an imbecil, or someone of less sane maturity.
He sold me new speakers including a subwoofer at the price of 58 dollars.
I came home after a great dinner at a fish restaurent in Aalborg, though totally humiliated at the edge of a suicide, and of course - no improvements. So the 58 dollars, I could have thrown out the window in stead or have send it to Washington DC to support the monument of the Smartest President In The World.
This machine of mine, I have had more problems with than years of marriage with two wives. I just don´t get it.
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mr. Hawk :tiphat::clap::clap::clap::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:´
You just diclosed yourself as the new comedian here. AWESOME jokes. I specially enjoyed the first one on the lottery and the last one of the couple being divorced in Arkansas´- you´re stll brother and sister. AWESOME, thanks for sharing and keep ´em comin´.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
Hats off!!, on your profound insider knowledge on both the Internet terms, wives in generel and women :grin::grin::lol::lol::lol::lol:.
marval
New member
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.Most laptop computers are powerful
enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.Most laptop computers are powerful
enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ain´t that the truth Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
The things movies can make us believe in.
Here´s a silly dentist joke:
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No, I don't have any idea."
"Well," he spoofed,
"Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
She didn't laugh one bit.
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
The things movies can make us believe in.
Here´s a silly dentist joke:
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No, I don't have any idea."
"Well," he spoofed,
"Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
She didn't laugh one bit.
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
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marval
New member
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Incredible what these journalists can get away with, Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap:
Don´t they have an editor?
"Couple Slain: Police Suspects Homicide". Realy? Some geniuses!!
Don´t they have an editor?
"Couple Slain: Police Suspects Homicide". Realy? Some geniuses!!
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Here are some jokes related to your pink bike for a gal on another thread, I would assume spoken by men:
Why bicycles are better than Women...
Bicycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
Bicycles don't have parents.
Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
Bicycles don't get headaches.
Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.
marval
New member
Advice From Men To Women
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own?
12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own?
12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
Touche´, I welcome it from you. :clap::clap::clap::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:
I love number 11, the reason for 85 percent of all divorces in the western world.