The Jokes Thread

[intet_at_tabe]

I Like it Intet, a very funny joke. You have joined the MIMF joke tellers club, welcome.


Margaret

I gratefully accept this honour Ms. Margaret and the guys. I will do my very best not to disappoint any of you.

Like my blonde psycologist at the hospital told me today: Lars, you are not normal, but you react normally on your past. :grin::grin:


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered,
''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Someone here's on fire! :devil::lol::lol::lol: And you're saying you can't tell jokes:grin:

You know how it goes Mat :tiphat:

When in good compagny, you surprice even yourself in so far undiscovered and unexperienced territory, to fit in. :clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[Mat]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of
goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't
ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of
goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't
ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

AWESOME Mat :tiphat: LMAO :clap::clap::clap::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[marval]

Some great jokes there guys.


Margaret

 

[marval]

What it "REALLY" really means...


"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey; you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

 

[Mat]

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything
for a while the
Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said: "Forget it buddy, there's no
paper in here either."

 

[marval]

A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How loving they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.
The husband replied:
"I tried once but she slapped me."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How loving they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.
The husband replied:
"I tried once but she slapped me."

Ms. Margaret and Mr. Flashoholic Mat, equals the MM-duo in best jokes :tiphat:

What it REALLY MEANS are the two of your latest jokes match each other. Mat´s about confessions and Ms. Margaret´s, where the husband confessed having been around another woman: "I tried once but she slapped me".

I guess none of you knew this, you´re telepathicly - so funny :clap::clap::clap::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[marval]

:lol::lol::lol: Nice cartoon Intet, I like it.


Margaret

 

[marval]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

 

[intet_at_tabe]

You´re rockin´ Ms. Margaret :tiphat: :clap::clap::clap::clap::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: Hard to beat that for the poor husband.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Telepathic Watch

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

 

[marval]

Very funny Intet, I bow to your joke telling.


Margaret

 

[marval]

Here's a smart dog.


http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/smart-dog-avoids-water.html

 

[marval]

Philosophy of a Lazy Wife ​

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!

REMEMBER . . . .
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Here's a smart dog.


http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/smart-dog-avoids-water.html

Indeed clever dog, Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Philosophy of a Lazy Wife ​

REMEMBER . . . .
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

Right Ms. Margaret :tiphat:

Planning activities not to do says it all. :grin::grin: One almost feel the erge to ask:

What does she actually do? :grin::grin: Can´t be fascinating compagny.

I fear somehow her husband must have thrown the towel to the ring quite early in the marriage, completely emtied for good reasons.


Womens liberation:

What does a woman and carpet have in commen? if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them later

Why are womens feet so small? So they can stand closer to the stove

How are women and a pile of dog crap alike? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!

How do we know that God is a man? A:If God was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate.

Want to hear a joke? Women's rights

What do you do when the dish washer is broken? Slap her on the ass and tell her to get to work.

Why did the woman cross the road? It doesnt matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothin, you done told her twice.

Why cant women ski? because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? The back of my hand.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove.

Did you know there are female hormones in beer? If you drink too it makes you talk crap and drive horrible.

Why do they call it PMS? Cause mad cow disease was already taken.

 

[marval]

:tiphat::tiphat::tiphat: Very funny Intet.


Margaret

 

[marval]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Eventually, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A few months later, even though they had literally cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how truly bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/3 of what the house had been worth when they were married, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling smugly as they watched the moving company pack up everything to take to their new home.
And to spite his ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!