The Jokes Thread

[marval]

I am glad you liked the joke, sorry you were the only one in church. I remember staying with a friend of mine, when we were young. We went to church and we were the only two people there, she lived in a small village, but the vicar still held the service for us.


I am having the same trouble as you trying to find falling on the floor helmets. All I could find was these, but they would just laugh with you.

Don't fall to the floor looking at them.


I will see what I can find according to EU laws.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

Hey!! I know the guy on the left. Intet, is that you?:banana::clap::lol::lol:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Hey!! I know the guy on the left. Intet, is that you?:banana::clap::lol::lol:

For the well known and highly successful jokes-duo MM equals, the distingquished Ms. Margaret and Mat :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:

I have spent the entire afternoon, except for a mail to Mat, to invent a safety belt glued to my chair. Please guys picture this: From the back of my PC-chair running over the shoulders on each side of my helmetless head, two different 5 centimeters wide leather belts running down to the belly, here to meet two other safety belts from each side of my hips to be locked with a specially designed key. Only problem now is, I lost the key on the floor and now I can´t reach it, so this personally designed safety belt realy works in more than one way.

Heeeelp me!!!

Seriously, what great designs you found Ms. Margaret. No problem with the laughing faces, because I can´t see them from the inside of this kind of helmet. All I have to do is never to look at myself in a mirror.

Mat, about your comments. You definately need spectacles or more directly: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.", borrowed from an earlier post by Ms. Margaret. :lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[marval]

Hi Intet

Wow you have made your own helmet, what you need is a magnet attached incase you drop the key again.


Margaret

 

[marval]

The other story of the three bears.


It’s a sunny morning in the big forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Mummy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, “For goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish.

And now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence….listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time…I haven’t made the stupid porridge yet.

 

[Mat]

Heeeelp me!!!

Here comes the rescue.

If you can sit still while watching this video - then you're my master. Because a normal person, after seeing this clip would immediately rip those belts and smash the monitor and speakers with their bare hands - to stop this noise somehow.

The video will set you free, but cost of freedom has always been high


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckoIQmxRv08[/youtube]


:lol::lol::lol:

:clap::clap::clap:

 

[marval]

Well Mat, after your video this is what I did to my computer.

HaHa.


Margaret

 

[Hawk Henries]

Stradi -very funny


http://www.noteworthyjohn.com/hoot/images/hoot1.jpg

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Here comes the rescue.

If you can sit still while watching this video - then you're my master. Because a normal person, after seeing this clip would immediately rip those belts and smash the monitor and speakers with their bare hands - to stop this noise somehow.

The video will set you free, but cost of freedom has always been high


[youtube]ckoIQmxRv08[/youtube]


:lol::lol::lol:

:clap::clap::clap:

First of all dear Mat :tiphat: Thank you!! I knew I could count on you for the rescue.

Secondly. Do you honestly consider me - intet, to be a normal guy? :grin::grin: Be careful now, this is an open thread. However if you do, I dearly thank you. Not everyone here would.

Thirdly. I promise you, I will purchase new speakers today, so I can hear this music, which made Ms. Margaret smash her computer. There´s no reason for her to suffer all alone. That´s the great issue with socialism, everyone are equally controled 24/7 and suffers the same :trp::trp::banana::clap::tiphat:

Fourthly, the video as you called it, showed 3 still pictures each of them lasted for 25 seconds or so, with no music I could hear, but then perhaps it is I who need new spectacles.:grin::grin:

Fifthly, you do not need to call me your Master, it sort of confuses the concept of a "master". I would have to call you my disciple, which would confuse you, me, Ms. Margaret and every one else here :grin::grin:

However as I said, thank you so much for always come to my rescue. I will return to you as soon, as I have bought the new speakers around 1 PM.

PS! If I had had a set of teeth like the guy on the left - the smiling helmets picture - that you referred to, I would contact the Colgate Tooth Paste Compagny and suggest a contract. Wishful thinking though, since 7 of my teeth in the upper jaw are artificial.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Hi Intet

Wow you have made your own helmet, what you need is a magnet attached incase you drop the key again.


Margaret

AWESOME idea, Ms. Margaret :tiphat:

Now, why did I not think of this? Knowing how much of an idot, I am about technical stuff. I should have got myself a magnet first, kept it on a short lease round my neck, sure never to lose it. Thank you Ms. Margaret.

Instead, I thought of some technical device evolved, like a red panic switch, which would open the lock an the safety belts would break to each side, or perhaps even built in a katapult. Nada, it would need a huge whole in the ceiling and my roof. No your idea, of course being practical, as women always are, is much better.

I realy enjoyed your bear joke.

 

[Corno Dolce]

That was quite the most boring euro trash disco-pop I've ever heard :shake::scold::banghead:

 

[marval]

Hi Hawk

I liked the Stradi cartoon.

Hi Intet


I'm glad you you likes the bear joke, magnets are very useful for finding and picking things up.


Margaret

 

[marval]

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

:tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Ms. Margaret and everyone here, please!!

I simply do not understand this repeated problem with my speakers. Just before 12:15 I went to the thread by Albert Maksimov, his thread about the first jazz harmonica CD in the Ukraine. There was a link, I pressed it and suddenly I was listening to harmonica music with an additional orchestra from my own speakers.

Can someone with a much higher IQ than mine tell me, why I can almost never listen to youtube, but some times myspace, but not a link to music played by Mat sent to me on my personal e-mail outside the MIMF? I simply don´t get it.

Anyone please!!

 

[intet_at_tabe]

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN....

...you leave the hairdressers looking like a supermodel, but by the time you get home you've turned into the lost Beatle.
...the cutest guy on the planet turns and looks your way the very second you decide it's safe to risk yanking a wedgie out of your ass.
...your cat takes a massive crap on the floor just as some potential buyers arrive to view your house.
...you jump into the shower only to then realise you still have your underwear and/or socks on.
...every snail and slug in the county is unstoppably munching it's way through the one thing in your garden that isn't actually a weed.
...you're walking down the street minding your own beeswax and some stranger tells you to cheer up. You were feeling perfectly ok to begin with, now you just feel like punching them. (Thanks to Angie for this one!)
...all your negative comments about the crappy weather turn around and bite you on the ass, sending you home from a days gardening burnt to a purple crisp.
...you search all over the house for a good half hour for your slippers before you realise you're wearing them. Same goes for the sunglasses that were perched on your head the whole time. (Actually, yes I WAS born blond. The dark hair didn't grow in till later.)
...you're literally days away from selling your bike to your neighbour and the back wheel decides it no longer wants to rotate. Which is kind of a basic requirement for a wheel. You'd be tempted to just hand it over and take the money and run, denying all knowledge, if you didn't need it to get to work in the morning. So you get a new bloody wheel, probably costing more than it's going to earn you in the neighbour transaction.
...you get out of the shower and start applying the lotion then realise you only shaved one leg.
...you know there's only so many times you can convincingly explain the horrific razor gashes on your legs using the phrase "well you see there was this shark..."
...by the time you've wrestled your way into a sports bra, you're too exhausted to work out.
... the pouting model on the hair dye box is sporting the corresponding shade of "Mahogany" that promises to make you look just like her. You, on the other hand, look like a nuclear accident.
...you're in the shower, rinsing off the aforementioned thermal radiation and happily re-enacting the pig-blood scene from "Carrie", when the plumbing springs a leak and floods your kitchen below with orangey purple fallout water.
...you get all the way back from a two-pie pizza run to the ass-end of nowhere and realise your second delivery is still sitting smugly on your passenger seat.
...you throw your foot down firmly on the clutch to change gear, remembering only as your head hits the windshield that you drive an automatic these days.

 

[marval]

I like the joke Intet, sorry I am not an expert on speakers, but I am sure someone in this lovely place will be able to help you.


Margaret

 

[marval]

INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.

SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!

RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

USER woman:
She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.

CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman:
Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

 

[marval]

1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like home.com
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

[Mat]

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN....
...you throw your foot down firmly on the clutch to change gear, remembering only as your head hits the windshield that you drive an automatic these days.

Nice one, Intet. :up::clap::grin:

 

[Corno Dolce]

Aloha Dame Margaret,

That was a great list of punchlines.

Please let me append something extra:

21. Have a Mac and a smile.