The Jokes Thread

[intet_at_tabe]

His And Hers ATMs

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

:clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Mat is rockin´- You seemed to have noticed everything noticeable Mat about the stronger sex, except with money and moneymachines, cars, Hi-Fi equipment, rules of soccer, gasoline miledge etc. etc., but then in such high mature age as your´s - about time. AWESOME my dear friend Mat. You´ve captured what took me 38 years.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

You guys are cracking me up!

Stephen

Eh, Stephen!! What a personal show!! :tiphat::clap:

Always the gentleman showing off! Now we know how you look from behind.

What are the sunglasses for? Not to be recognised? With an a.., like this one??

 

[intet_at_tabe]

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap::banana::trp:

Never say never again, talking about "over the pond". AWESOME, I fell to the floor laughing MAO.

 

[Mat]

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One
notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.
He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man
replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

 

[Corno Dolce]

Intet,

With our colleague stephen swishing his tail I though he just wants to dust the staircase :grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin:

 

[marval]

Thank you Intet, I hope you didn't hurt yourself falling to the floor.

Some funny jokes there Mat.:lol::lol::lol:


Margaret

 

[marval]

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favourite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

"Sir, what is your name?” asked the student

"John”,

"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favourite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.

He liked the answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.

"Sir, what is your name?"

"Jeff!”,

"Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several houses in a row to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"

"Bubbles!”

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Intet,

With our colleague stephen swishing his tail I though he just wants to dust the staircase :grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin:

Right!, sir Corno Dolce :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[Mat]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

 

[marval]

Very funny Mat.:lol::lol::lol:


Margaret

 

[marval]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

 

[marval]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. “Doc, you’ve got to help me! My wife just isn’t interested in getting close anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

“Look, I can’t prescribe anything…”

“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I’m desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.”

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.”

“I don’t know, doc. She’s awfully cold.”

“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

“Um… okay.” He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring in the dessert. In fumbling haste, he pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, and then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes… he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I need a man…”

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me too.”

 

[Mat]

LOL @ Margaret


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Thank you Intet, I hope you didn't hurt yourself falling to the floor.

Some funny jokes there Mat.:lol::lol::lol:


Margaret

Not the first time dear Ms. Samaritan Margaret :tiphat::clap::banana::trp:- falling to the floor LMAO, but no I did not get injured.

I have been down scratching the floor severel times in my now middleaged life, but never to remain down.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

LOL @ Margaret


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

What an incredibly stupid question from his wife, Mat :tiphat::clap::banana::trp:

LMAO :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. “Doc, you’ve got to help me! My wife just isn’t interested in getting close anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”..................

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me too.”

Well, Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap::banana::trp:

If you guys keep on pulling jokes like this one, I might begin to wear a helmet, my physical reactions are a bit slow.

So what can we all learn about pills and perscription medication? Always listen to the doctor. DO NOT EXPERIMENT yourself!! LMAO :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Intet,

With our colleague stephen swishing his tail I though he just wants to dust the staircase :grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin:

Dear sir Corno Dolce :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: so practical orientated sir!! Now we all know, who does the cleaning at your house. :grin::grin:

You do seem to have inside info on this kind of a.. rhytm, so I trust you dear sir :lol::lol::lol::lol: even if it is shortly before Church time.

 

[marval]

:lol::lol::lol: Good joke Mat.


Must get you a joke helmet Intet.


Margaret

 

[marval]

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."

My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favourite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Off topic and yet?

Love you Ms. Margaret :tiphat:: Cut and pasted:

.

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
"

That´s what I always enjoyed with women and mothers in particular, those always straight forward pedagogic logical, never to be misunderstood or wondered about, answers: So, Ms. Margaret, You´re going to hurry with that safety helmet :tiphat::clap::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: - Most appreciated!!

There I was sitting in Church this sunday morning shortly after 10 AM, noticing at 10:15, I was the only soul there. So what does one do, having forgotten - just returned from Florence, Italy where churches in generel are crowded on sundays - that the priests in this parish, move the sermon to another church after a particular plan in the hope that more of the parisheners will turn up for the sermon.

The Danes in generel, as a muslim told me some time ago, are an ungodly population - to which I had to second him. We mostly go to church at Christinings, Konfirmation around the age of 13, Weddings and when someone close to us has bought the-last-one-way-ticket-to-the-cemetery and for Christmas and Easter, to add it up, and that only if it doesn´t rain or our national soccer team is not playing against Sweden in a match. :grin::grin:

So instead of feeling lost at the church being all alone, which incidently is impossible - whether I am in a church or not, I began to think of a safety helmet for me, just like you Ms. Margaret - The two of us must have a telepathic connection. :grin::grin:

The first thing to seriously consider, obviously is: Has someone created and manufactored such a safety helmet for someone like me - not normal :grin::grin:, who has this particular repeated not controled disability to often fall to the floor LMAO at the risk of receiving an unwanted new disability for life, or increase the one, I already possess?

So I checked in at Google after returning home. The answer is: No!

I found helmets for any other activity for bikers, bicycles, for wellders, Down Hill skiing, American football, soldiering, water polo, Formular One race, horseback riding, traveling in space - even for Halloween, but not for this special activity: Falling to the floor, LMAO. :grin::grin:

So please Ms. Margaret - Any suggestions as to shape, material according to EU laws?