The Jokes Thread

[greatcyber]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________ ______ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Stephen

 

[marval]

Those are really funny. How stupid are some people.


Margaret

 

[greatcyber]

Obviously, quite!

Stephen

 

[Contratrombone64]

Stephen - see the little button that looks like a couple of capital As ... you can Ctrl-A on coloured text and then disapply the formatting, makes it readable ...

 

[marval]

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA"


Here are a few heard from Northwest:

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them ​

are on this flight!" ​

​

​

 

[Mat]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"the balcony."


================================


Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged:

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

 

[marval]

A couple of nice ones there Mat.


Margaret

 

[marval]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly cow he’s running around with.”

 

[Mat]

Thank you, Margaret


Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he
asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

 

[marval]

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

 

[Mat]

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure,
the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by
everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
lobby.

The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"

The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing
like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch
the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again,
and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."



=================================================




A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:
#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
#2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

 

[Mat]

UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

____________________University


To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________


I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be

changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:


______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

_______________.

______5. I'll lose my scholarship.

______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used

did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every

little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams

asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Whites

______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______People ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or

at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the

following illness:

______mono ______broken baby finger

______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy

______VD ______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly

how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my

(book, notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other___________________________________________________



=========================================================




Why did the one-handed man cross the road?


To get to the second hand shop.

 

[Mat]

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income
reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room
temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and
sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh
samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.

 

[marval]

Some nice ones there Mat.


Margaret

 

[marval]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

 

[Corno Dolce]

*groans* @ Ms. Margaret...

 

[Mat]

:lol: @ Margaret


Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?
It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

 

[marval]

Hi Mat, now it's your turn @Mat.

That was a good one.


Margaret

 

[methodistgirl]

Hi Mat, I liked your little Ky. joke. That was funny. People here are
just that ignorant. I have a redneck joke. If you go to a big city and
wonder where the hoedown is, you might be a redneck.
judy tooley

 

[marval]

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that ?

"I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough.