The Jokes Thread

Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.

Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)

C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Fox Mulder : It was a government conspiracy.

Fox Mulder 2 : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Scully : It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
 
Andrew Roussak

Andrew Roussak

New member
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and

proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for
something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and
his
wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We
were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother

up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her

to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.

"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years
and I wasn't about to start now!"
 
marval

marval

New member
When I become old

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
ah, me either - we'll just have to make them up. I was just having a discussion with a colleague about playstations, iPods, mobiles, T.V. in the morning before school et cetera. If I were a parent my child would plead abuse for not having all the (expensive) necessities in life
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
Margaret - this might also bring back memories for you? Penned by a wonderful British author

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs in his crotch.

Worried that there might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you
pull it off.
Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence:
"Get well quick...from the nurse you gave a speeding ticket to last week."
​
 
marval

marval

New member
Hi CT

I hadn't heard the one about the woman wearing purple, loved it.

Great joke as well, Ouch, it is bad enough when I have to pull a plaster off.


Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
Ladies over 80's football team profile


Our eldest player Lilly she's 99 today
We put her up for goalie as she's due to pass away

Secondly there's Betty who's a haggard 98
A very bad asthmatic who you'd love to suffocate

Next up it's our Doris at 93 she's doing fine
Before the game she snorts the coke. We call her avaline

At 90 it's our Gertrude who backflips when excited
She shows her draws when her team scores. it keeps the fans delighted

Then 88 it's Lizzie who takes epileptic fits
Who's always on the side line showing all the crowd her... bits

Down from her it's Madge who's a crank for 84
She's better known as lilo as she's always on the floor

We move on then to Edna who's a scream for 83
Her specs they were mechanically built and the loony still can't see

Then comes wonky Hilda who's almost 82
With one leg short she has to wear a massive build up shoe

Twin sisters Flo and Nell they're also 82
Who only stand at 3ft tall, it's strange they never grew

At 81 it's Sally, she's always full of smiles
With so much padding round her bum just to protect her piles

Our youngest player Charlotte, she's the tallest one indeed
She's 80 and she's always stoned. She smokes the flippn' weed



Feel free to read this profile
As it's sponsorship we seek
But sadly time is running out
They could all be dead next week!
 
marval

marval

New member
Senior Moment (or a blues song for the not so young)

I got up this morning
Hurried to make my bed
Went to make the coffee
Turned on my TV instead

Thought I had a paper
Looked but never found
Searched the room, went to the door
It was laying on the ground

Went to pour my coffee
Forgot to fill the pot
So turned around as I sat down
Wondering what I forgot

Wrote myself a little note
Forgot what I wanted to say
So turned around and went back to bed
I'll start over another day

HOPE I REMEMBER TO GET UP!!!
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
Not a joke as such but very amusing: I had a comment from a colleague (about another colleague getting hot under the collar) "it's probably just a storm in a D-cup ..."
 
marval

marval

New member
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
A robber was holding up a crowded bank and got into a panic about being identified by witnesses.​

"Did you see my face?" he demanded of one man. "Yes, I did," was the reply so the robber shot him dead.​

"Would you recognise me again?" he asked another man. "Yes, I would." Bang, the second man was dead.​

The robber approached a third man and asked "Did you see my face?". "No I didn't, but my wife did."​
 
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