The Jokes Thread

[Dorsetmike]

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought, "Wow"! This Taser is well worth the money."

 

[marval]

Did you hear about the American who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?

He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was entitled to bear arms.

 

[Dorsetmike]

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

 

[Mat]

I don't know how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?

 

[JHC]

I don't know how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?

That's a deep one Mat way above my head.

 

[Dorsetmike]

A teacher's story about stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th year students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and next door's Rottweiler was in it's yard. And he got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.


'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,"
but before she could say 'Flippin' go away !', the Rottweiler ate her!

 

[Mat]

Yeah, it's a tricky one, Colin

 

[Dorsetmike]

Mind the Jaws!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dorsetmike]

[h=2]Supportive husband[/h]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Helen.

When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Helen to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Helen. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his ass with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Helen was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.
​

 

[teddy]

Moral Test....Read to the end before making a judgement...Cheers

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



*** THE SITUATION: ***

You are in London .

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.


You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


*** THE TEST: ***

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the terrorist, Abu Hamza,
the one-eyed, hook handed preacher who hates everyone and wants the
UK to become an Islamic state!!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's
most despised, evil and powerful men!




*** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER ***

Would you select high contrast colour film or,




would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
teddy

 

[teddy]

​

Hormone Guide Women will understand this! Men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other! ​ DANGEROUS ​ SAFER ​ SAFEST ​ ULTRA SAFE ​ What's for dinner? ​ Can I help you with dinner? ​ Where would you like to go for dinner? ​ Here, have some wine. ​ Are you wearing that? ​ You sure look good in brown! ​ WOW! Look at you! ​ Here, have some wine ​ What are you so worked up about? ​ Could we be overreacting? ​ Here's my paycheck. ​ Here, have some wine. ​ Should you be eating that? ​ You know, there are a lot of apples left. ​ Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? ​ Here, have some wine. ​ What did you DO all day? ​ I hope you didn't over-do it today. ​ I've always loved you in that robe! ​ Here, have some wine. ​ 13 Things PMS Stands For: ​ 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one: 13. Potential Murder Suspect teddy ​ ​

​

​

 

[Dorsetmike]

The Irish Millionaire


The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow


b) Thrush,


c) Magpie,


d) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


"Bloomin' hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm bloomin' sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."






"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you knowit was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"


"Because they lives in *'#@in' clocks!"







​

​

 

[marval]

The lonely bachelor wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards.

He went on to explain that the candidate should be cute and short, who enjoys watersports, is a team player and who enjoys group activities.

He received an envelope the following week. In it was a picture of a penguin.

 

[marval]

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep.

The professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's skull.

Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That, "said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

 

[martinpetersen]

2 frogs sitting on a highroad.

Frog 1: "Look out there's" SPLASH

Frog 2: "Whaat?" Splash

----
Martin P

 

[marval]

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.

Week after week he would come in with the same order.

One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

 

[teddy]

A number of UK Banks have banded together to express their gratitude to the British people for helping them out in their time of need.


They have commissioned a limited edition commemorative pencil sharpener which will be offered to selected customers in gratitude for the billions of pounds profit they got out of us last year.




It's designed to remind usof thefriendly and, even intimate, relationship the banks have built up with the British public.


teddy

 

[JHC]

@ teddy This really gets me excited we are told the market is the best way to run a country and yet when the various components fall down it is the state aka ye and me that have to dig them out of the crap, we (NZ) are now selling off state assets such as power companies, water works, prisons and god knows what else just because it is government ideology they are not the governments to sell and it is happening in other countries no wonder there are so many protests. [end of rant] did you notice that was all in one breath?

 

[teddy]

Wow. You must be fit Colin. (no, not in that sense) We did the same over here, the worst example was selling the gold reserves at rock bottonm prices. Shoot the lot of them.

teddy

 

[marval]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cook book once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".