The Jokes Thread

[teddy]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally Margaret looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Tom." "Well, uh, I was thinking' … perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." Margaret blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
The two then turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and Margaret spoke again, "Another penny for your thoughts Tom." Well, uh, I was thinking' perhaps it's noo about time for a wee cuddle." Margaret blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Tom." "Well, uh, I was thinking' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." Margaret blushed, then took his hand and placed it on her knee. Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before Margaret spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Tom" Tom glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?' said Margaret in a whisper filled with anticipation. "Aye," said Tom, nodding. Margaret looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

teddy

 

[Corno Dolce]

A woman and a Hotel Manager who happens to be a lady:

Woman: What an ugly painting on the wall in my room!

Hotel Manager: Excuse me, but thats the mirror...

 

[marval]

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand herup and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to livewithout fear and forget regret
.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her mostintimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman inthe room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, andinvincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Its wine that does all that.......sorry

Never mind.

 

[Dorsetmike]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked :

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ??? "

 

[teddy]

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife when she was in labour.
"**** off you ********!" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

 

[marval]

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully…

Try and answer within 30 seconds!

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis...









If your answer is:

Lion = you’re dull.

Chimpanzee = you’re a moron.

Giraffe = you’re a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you’re just hopelessly stupid.

——————————————-

A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

 

[Mat]

Well, that's awkward...

 

[southernparks]

yeah I didn't fall for that one Margaret

 

[marval]

I didn't think any of you would fall for it.

 

[marval]

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defence attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge,especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"

"Well...yeah... I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

 

[JHC]

Just imagine....If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Air New Zealand one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in the AA one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Canterbury Finance one year ago,you would have $0..00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214..00..
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the Kiwi Saver-Keg.
A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Kiwi’s drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year
That means that, on average, Kiwi’s get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be a Kiwi!!

 

[Dorsetmike]

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks,'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,'but even in Heaven,(wait for it)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A Royal Flush beats a pair -no matter how big they are.

 

[marval]

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car; one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officer’s arm is "Your Passionate"

They drove a while longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate".

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live.

She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passing It!"

 

[JHC]

2050. Eric is at home with his mum.

Eric: Mum, why is there a rectangle in the wall?
Mum: That's called the front door darling. You can go through it to theoutside.
Eric: What's the outside?
Mum: It's where people used to go before we had computers and the internet.They went outside to make friends.
Eric: I've got lots of friends. But not Luke. I unfriended him because he supports Everton.
Mum: It was different before Facebook. People met their friends in real life.
Eric: My friends were here last week for my party.
Mum: They were holograms dear.
Eric: I threw virtual blancmange at Jessica. He he he.
Mum: That was naughty Eric. People also went outside to go to the shops.
Eric: Like Amazon?
Mum: No darling, the old shops were like houses with big windows.
Eric: I've got Windows 26 on my third PC.
Mum: I don't mean... never mind dear.
Eric: Mum, will I ever go outside?
Mum: Yes darling, when you get married you go outside to find a new house to live in.
Eric: Oooh mum, how do you get married?
Mum: You click on match.com dear.
Eric: Oooh mum can I get married now? Please please please.
Mum: I suppose so darling. You are 43.

 

[Dorsetmike]

Some new, some old, (to me anyway)








Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[Dorsetmike]

Now why didn't I say that?


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?

 

[teddy]

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 26. Where there's a will, there are relatives. teddy​

 

[Dorsetmike]

A little old lady goes up to a Police officer and says,

"I am having problems with people indecently propositioning me."

"Oh dear! we really need to do something about that! Where did it happen?"

"No, ... no, ... ... I was hoping you might know someone who could ... ... ... ..."

 

[teddy]

My wife went to the cinema the other night, on her own, and had to change seats three times.!

Was she interfered with?

Eventually..................

teddy

 

[marval]

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I have got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states,"That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"