The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
teddy
Duckmeister
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
With apologies to m,y Polish friends :grin:
teddy
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
With apologies to m,y Polish friends :grin:
teddy
Dorsetmike
Member
Or "Man spends the majority of his life looking for the ideal woman ... ... ... in the meantime he marries"
marval
New member
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre, continually repeating his line,"Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer.
"You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick,get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full.
Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What on earth was that?"
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre, continually repeating his line,"Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer.
"You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick,get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full.
Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What on earth was that?"
teddy
Duckmeister
Texting for 60+ year old Seniors | |
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. | |
Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts. | |
| ATD: | At The Doctor's |
| BFF: | Best Friend Fainted |
| BTW: | Bring The Wheelchair |
| BYOT: | Bring Your Own Teeth |
| CBM: | Covered By Medicare |
| CGU: | Can't get up |
| CUATSC: | See You At The Senior Center |
| DWI: | Driving While Incontinent |
| FWB: | Friend With Beta Blockers |
| FWIW: | Forgot Where I Was |
| FYI: | Found Your Insulin |
| GGPBL: | Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low! |
| GHA: | Got Heartburn Again |
| HGBM: | Had Good Bowel Movement |
| IMHO: | Is My Hearing-Aid On? |
| LMDO: | Laughing My Dentures Out |
| LOL: | Living On Lipitor |
| LWO: | Lawrence Welk's On |
| OMMR: | On My Massage Recliner |
| OMSG: | Oh My! Sorry Gas. |
| ROFL... CGU: | Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up |
| TTYL: | Talk To You Louder |
| WAITT: | Who Am I Talking To? |
| WTFA: | Wet The Furniture Again |
| WTP: | Where's The Prunes? |
| WWNO: | Walker Wheels Need Oil |
| GGLKI: | Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In |
Trust this will be of assistance
teddy
Dorsetmike
Member
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”
GoneBaroque
New member
If you like ruthless, Teddy and Mike are your men!
sandal
New member
i'd better not check on that: i'd be betraying how dumb i had been to misunderstand the joke in the first place, and then disclosing how wicked my misinterpretation was; and meanwhile being on thin ice in a new environment, i fear to offend bystanders.
marval
New member
"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.
"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
then they gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you get through all that?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
then they gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you get through all that?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
You mean toothless as is Mike and teddygonebaroque,
as an afterthought: perhaps i read more ruthlessness
Dorsetmike
Member
[FONT="]Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss Air Traffic controllers; sitting together in the same[/FONT][FONT="] compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.[/FONT]
[FONT="]The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.[/FONT][FONT="]
[FONT="]Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.[/FONT]
[FONT="]The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.[/FONT]
[FONT="]Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me... the English b@st@rd.[/FONT]
[FONT="]And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French twit again.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT="]The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.[/FONT][FONT="]
[FONT="]Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.[/FONT]
[FONT="]The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.[/FONT]
[FONT="]Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me... the English b@st@rd.[/FONT]
[FONT="]And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French twit again.[/FONT][/FONT]
