The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Dorsetmike
Member
What politics do the white line painters follow?
Middle of the road!
Middle of the road!
marval
New member
lol @ Teddy, very funny.
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"What the dickens, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Margaret
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"What the dickens, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Margaret
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Auckland was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
According to a news report, a certain private school in Auckland was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Danke fair damsel :angel:
marval
New member
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she is in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night. "The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down that gun."
Margaret
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night. "The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down that gun."
Margaret
marval
New member
Thank you Teddy.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we have been friends for a long time now, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought but I can't remember it, Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her, for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Margaret
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we have been friends for a long time now, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought but I can't remember it, Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her, for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Margaret
elderflower
New member
The jokes thread
Oh dear Jeremy, I never realised what a bad driver you are!!!!
I drove a robin reliant van for several years, it always did everything I asked and I never had an accident in it. When I moved house it uncomplainingly carried several LARGE items, especially my chest freezer. When trapped in a parking space alongside the kerb :by other drivers who left me no room to squeeze out of my tiny space
Two hunky T.A soldiers simply lifted my reliant out on to the road for me. You couldn't do that with a 4x4. Never a spot of rust on the body of either the car or me!!!.. Sylvie
Oh dear Jeremy, I never realised what a bad driver you are!!!!
I drove a robin reliant van for several years, it always did everything I asked and I never had an accident in it. When I moved house it uncomplainingly carried several LARGE items, especially my chest freezer. When trapped in a parking space alongside the kerb :by other drivers who left me no room to squeeze out of my tiny spaceTwo hunky T.A soldiers simply lifted my reliant out on to the road for me.
You couldn't do that with a 4x4. Never a spot of rust on the body of either the car or me!!!.. Sylvie
teddy
Duckmeister
Mat. Good clip. Saw the original on Top Gear and worth re-watching. Sylvie, nice to see you, too see you.....
You may be aware that the program started an outcry because Reliant owners wre coming out in the morning to find their cars on their side. Tip over by thoughtless pranksters, and often damaged in the process. Clarckson got the blame of course.
teddy
You may be aware that the program started an outcry because Reliant owners wre coming out in the morning to find their cars on their side. Tip over by thoughtless pranksters, and often damaged in the process. Clarckson got the blame of course.
teddy
@ Teddy
I didn't know about that. Who'd expect that things will take such a turn? Though, Clarkson is known for his "specific" humor. I remeber one episode from 1997 in which he completely trashed (both literally and figuratively) a Polish Polonez FSO car, which very popular in the '80. It was followed, of course, by a wave of angry and unflattering, to say the least, comments from people who saw the clip, after it was uploaded to youtube. I know Clarkson and don't feel that offended. After all he did make some good points in about the car.
@ Sylvie
Nice to hear that the Reliant served you well. And way to go for having it lifted back on to the road by some kind people.
I didn't know about that. Who'd expect that things will take such a turn? Though, Clarkson is known for his "specific" humor. I remeber one episode from 1997 in which he completely trashed (both literally and figuratively) a Polish Polonez FSO car, which very popular in the '80. It was followed, of course, by a wave of angry and unflattering, to say the least, comments from people who saw the clip, after it was uploaded to youtube. I know Clarkson and don't feel that offended. After all he did make some good points in about the car.
@ Sylvie
Nice to hear that the Reliant served you well. And way to go for having it lifted back on to the road by some kind people.
marval
New member
Recently I went to the doctor for my annual physical.
The nurse asked me how much I weighed. I told her 135 pounds.
Then she weighed me and the scale said 160.
She asked me how tall I was. I said, "5 feet, 5 inches."
She measured me and I was only 5 feet, 3 inches.
So she took my blood pressure and told me it was high.
"Of course it's high," I said. "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat!"
The nurse asked me how much I weighed. I told her 135 pounds.
Then she weighed me and the scale said 160.
She asked me how tall I was. I said, "5 feet, 5 inches."
She measured me and I was only 5 feet, 3 inches.
So she took my blood pressure and told me it was high.
"Of course it's high," I said. "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat!"
marval
New member
lol, I like it Teddy.
An old man says to his friend, "I hear you're getting married"
"Yes, I am!"
"Have I met her?"
"No!"
"Is she good looking?"
"Not especially."
"Can she cook?"
"Not really very well."
"Is she rich?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, why do you want to marry her?"
"Because she still drives!"
An old man says to his friend, "I hear you're getting married"
"Yes, I am!"
"Have I met her?"
"No!"
"Is she good looking?"
"Not especially."
"Can she cook?"
"Not really very well."
"Is she rich?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, why do you want to marry her?"
"Because she still drives!"