The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
marval
New member
It probably was Teddy. I loved your cartoon Bill.
An antelope was asked to go to a dance. She bought a new dress and necklace for the dance. Then she had her horns and hooves done.
Since she lived alone, she struggled to dress herself. Running late, she encountered a herd of stampeding buffalo approaching the trail.
She thought she was fast enough to get past them. But, unfortunately, she was run over by the buffalo.
And this is the origin of the self-dressed stamped antelope.
Margaret
An antelope was asked to go to a dance. She bought a new dress and necklace for the dance. Then she had her horns and hooves done.
Since she lived alone, she struggled to dress herself. Running late, she encountered a herd of stampeding buffalo approaching the trail.
She thought she was fast enough to get past them. But, unfortunately, she was run over by the buffalo.
And this is the origin of the self-dressed stamped antelope.
Margaret
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
groans @ Margaret
I lost the trivia contest at our church social last night by one point. The last question was:... "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Africa. I have been asked to find another place to worship.
I lost the trivia contest at our church social last night by one point. The last question was:... "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Africa. I have been asked to find another place to worship.
marval
New member
Lol @ CT and Teddy.
I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.
I said, "Give me all your money now, or you're geography."
"Don't you mean history?" she replied.
I said, "Don't try to change the subject
The plumber was going to leave his wife Florence, so he wrote her a note saying ‘it’s over Flo'
Margaret
I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.
I said, "Give me all your money now, or you're geography."
"Don't you mean history?" she replied.
I said, "Don't try to change the subject
The plumber was going to leave his wife Florence, so he wrote her a note saying ‘it’s over Flo'
Margaret
teddy
Duckmeister
Ordered Bombay Chicken in a Chinese restaurant yesterday. When the waiter brought out the tureen the lid lifted slightly and two beady eyes looked out. This happened several times so I called the waiter back. Oh, solly - he said. You order Bombay Chicken. I bling you Peeking Duck.
teddy
teddy
marval
New member
HaHa Teddy
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.
They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my Goodness!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off."
Margaret
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.
They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my Goodness!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off."
Margaret
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just I love this forum my pants.'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just I love this forum my pants.'
marval
New member
And now for Teddy
How not to be eaten by a duck.
How not to be eaten by a duck.
- Avoid smearing yourself in stale breadcrumbs unless absolutely necessary.
- If threatened by a duck, climb a tree. Ducks, usually excellent climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else.
- Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a river or pond.
- Become a microbiologist and develop a duck form of myxomatosis.
- Become an electronics whizz and build a battery-powered thingy that repels ducks by means of ultrasound.
- Become a physicist and repel ducks. And everything else.
- Carry a tin whistle in your shirt pocket or handbag and practise duck-charming techniques to buy time to escape, should you be threatened.
- Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no ducks live near there.
- If you can't beat them, join them: Whilst ducks may be vicious, they are civilised creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your granny next Christmas, ask her for a duck costume instead.
- Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for ducks first.
- Go on a safari holiday to Africa, go to see the lions and jump out of the Land Rover into the middle of a hungry pride. I'd like to see a duck try to reach you then.
- Contract Anorexia Nervosa and wear tight clothing to make sure the ducks realize they'd be wasting their time eating you.
- Sneak onto the set of a film about the middle ages and steal some chain mail.
- Ask God to reconsider whether they were worth putting on the planet in the first place. Be polite.
- Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of them.
- Do not mistake ducks for geese. Geese will allow themselves to be petted, stroked, and even hand-fed whilst ducks will take your arm off at the first available opportunity.
- Do not accept any offers from shifty-looking blokes in cars who enquire as to whether you would like to come with him to see some baby ducklings.
- Learn Judo or Karate. Practise sparring only with very short people.
- Buy a few readily killed ducks from Tesco and string the beaks around your neck along with a few bones and a feather headdress. Walk around half-naked covered in war paint with a large knife and a collection of fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then.
- Live solely on garlic, onions, leeks, kebabs, truffles, beetroot and Ferrero Rocher. Never brush your teeth, breathe through your mouth and you should be safe provided you never holiday in France.
- Carry several different types of underarm deodorant with you throughout the day. Keep changing your smell so that ducks cannot follow your scent and track you to your home.
- Never write any novels denouncing duck deities. If you do, apologize and go into hiding.
- Constantly chew at least ten sticks of gum simultaneously. Keep dropping lumps so that any inquisitive ducks will have their beaks glued shut.
- Marinade yourself in white wine, strip naked and drape yourself invitingly on a large plate. The ducks may think it a little too good to be true and will stay away, suspecting a booby-trap.
Dorsetmike
Member
Apart from the ears that looks just like your avatar, is there something we should be told?
teddy
Duckmeister
And now for Teddy
How not to be eaten by a duck.
Margaret. This should qualify you for entry into the Guiness Book of Records under Duck Evasion. Warning!!! If chooseing a duck costume watch out for Elmore Fudd.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
teddy - that's in very poor taste ... having known a friend who suicided, I see no humour in it at all.
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Ha can't fool you mike, yes it is me when I was a young buck
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
For goodness sake David, I love this forum happens and life goes on, if we loose our sense of humor we may as well give up now
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Sorry, was my comment directed at you? No, it wasn't ... why not mind your business, difficult task I know.