The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!”
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Things NOT to say on your wedding anniversary.

We have had twenty happy years...unfortunately that was before we met.

We have had ten happy years together....not bad out of thirty

We have had ten happy years together. 1968...1973....1979........

The secret of a happy marriage is to eat out twice a week. She goes on a Tuesday and I on a Friday.

We always hold hands when we go out. Otherwise she shops.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
HaHa Teddy.


This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while lying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals.

Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the road just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife. The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road.

What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer?

Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
 
marval

marval

New member
puppy.gif
puppy.gif
Here they are, they come fully house trained.


Margaret
 
Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
From www.notalwaysright.com


(I really like Japanese animation and am learning Japanese as a second language so I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.)
Customer: “Excuse me, what kind of music would you recommend? I want to know what CD I should buy.”
Me: “Oh, I don’t think I listen to the kind of music you’d be interested in.”
Customer: “That’s not very helpful. Just tell me what kind of music you like.”
Me: “Well, I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.”
Customer: “I love that song!”
Me: “It’s not just one song. There are a lot of songs in Japanese.”
Customer: “Really? How many.”
Me: “Oh, far too many to count. There are thousands!”
Customer: “Well that’s a bit silly, isn’t it, what’s the point in making songs in a language that no one can understand?”
Me: “A lot of people understand Japanese.”
Customer: “Like who?”
Me: “The people who live in Japan?”
Customer: “You mean Japan’s a real place?! Well, you learn something new every day!”
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Very good. Loved the link as well. I always answer the office phone with the company name. Our phone number is very close to that of the local hospital. Despite announcing who we are I then frequently get asked about hospital appointments, operations etc. I have now started offering to do then at extortionate fees provided the customer brings some DIY instructions.

teddy
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Next time you get one of these bright young girls on the phone saying "will you bear with me a moment" I usualy respond with "OK what shall we take off first?"
 
marval

marval

New member
I like it Mike, must try that next time.


Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said, "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis" .

The third man said, "I died of seenus".

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

The third man said, "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
From an American source. (Tongue in cheek I assume)

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on.
 
marval

marval

New member
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,

That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ..... are so big she can only fasten eight.....'
The teacher sat down and cried.
 
marval

marval

New member
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten-dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since its closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again, the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it is the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap! - against the door again!

There is no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?

This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever? This is the second time this week he has forgotten his key
 
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