the Politically Incorrect Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Contratrombone64
- Start date
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Right on Ms. Margaret, though I have heard that one before.
"A rock star, George Bush, the Pope,
and a little kid are all on a plane and the pilot dies (for some reason).
The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes on board.
The rock star says, "I'm too famous
to die," grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The President says, "I'm the
smartest President in the world,"then grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The Pope says, "It's ok, I've lived
a long life and I've made peace with God. You can have the last parachute."
The Little boy says, "I know a way
we can both survive!"
"Really?" the Pope
says.
"Yeah! The smartest President in
the world just took my backpack!"
"A rock star, George Bush, the Pope,
and a little kid are all on a plane and the pilot dies (for some reason).
The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes on board.
The rock star says, "I'm too famous
to die," grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The President says, "I'm the
smartest President in the world,"then grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The Pope says, "It's ok, I've lived
a long life and I've made peace with God. You can have the last parachute."
The Little boy says, "I know a way
we can both survive!"
"Really?" the Pope
says.
"Yeah! The smartest President in
the world just took my backpack!"
marval
New member
Three Rednecks called called Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims,"Miles, from Georgia."
"Come have a look over here," says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims,"Miles, from Georgia."
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
:lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::trp::trp::clap::clap::clap::clap:
Southern Commandments
1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass ya' mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.
From the Hill:
Excepts from The Chicago Tribune.
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mat, how´s ya been buddy?
Let´s all toast on Mat:
They found each other through a dating agency.
Let´s all toast on Mat:
They found each other through a dating agency.
I'm fine, thanks. And don't worry. I will let you know.
Back to the P.I Jokes thread:
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "F*ck the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
marval
New member
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out
that I'm a lesbian."
spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out
that I'm a lesbian."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Margaret
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mat buddy, you´re still rockin´ :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
George W. Bush Monument Committee
Dear Friends:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument to George W. Bush. The committee originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington , DC , Hall of Fame.
We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, decimated the well-being of the majority of the population while he was there, and did it all on someone else's money.
Thank you,
George W. Bush Monument Committee
P.S. We have raised $1.35 so far
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marval
New member
Although this is the politically incorrect jokes thread, I would like to say that no dogs were hurt in the making of this joke.
The Americans and the Russians at the height if the arms race realized that if they
continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entittled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down it's arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest and meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied, "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
The Americans and the Russians at the height if the arms race realized that if they
continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entittled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down it's arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest and meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied, "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
A Competition Of Bravery
An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing who's service is better and whose troops are more brave. The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.
When all three representatives have arrived, the Admiral states, " Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course."
The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that was nothing", and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."
And with that the Air Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says " I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."
The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.
The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says, "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVERY...."
An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing who's service is better and whose troops are more brave. The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.
When all three representatives have arrived, the Admiral states, " Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course."
The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that was nothing", and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."
And with that the Air Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says " I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."
The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.
The General turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says, "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVERY...."
marval
New member
Why It's Good To Be A Man
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't bother if someone notices your new haircut
- Same work... more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding Dress - $2000; Tux rental - $50.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
- One mood, ALL the time.
- And don't forget – phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Dry Cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
- You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
- You can leave the motel bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- Everything on your face stays its original colour.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
- You don't mooch off other's desserts.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Amazing Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
For a woman you certainly know your - men :tiphat::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Of course I would never think of marrying a woman to be imprisoned, from the beginning of the marriage, for life in depths. Any woman who would suggest to me to throw away 2000 dollars on a white wedding dress, while we´re going to City Hall by the local buss to exchange rings to be married, would never be my wife :grin::grin:
Think of the new fenders and the 14 inches wide wheels, I could buy for my 1968 Mustang tuned roadster instead, having the garage all to myself. This would be a sound practical reasonable purchase for a real macho man and husband. In such a case of sound reasoning from her - obeying my every wish, I would treat her on the day like a Goddess with all the Hot Dogs, she could eat. Send her home on the same buss going back after this heavenly meal to prepare the beds for the night, while I would go partying with my male buddies watching erotic dancing and getting drunk as a skunk.
"Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.". I couldn´t agree more., though 45 minutes seem
exagerated. I mean how long time can it take to buy 25 pairs of sun glasses in 5 different colours?
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