the Politically Incorrect Jokes Thread

[marval]

Did you hear about the Irish ram-raider?
He ran out of petrol chasing a mobile shop.

How do you spot an Irishman at a car wash?
He's the one on a bike.

Paddy and Murphy are walking through a forest, and they see a sign saying,
"TREE FELLERS WANTED."
Paddy looks at Murphy and says, "What a shame there's only two of us."

 

[Mat]

Mat, You are officially a KING of politically incorrect jokes, lols!!!

Wow, I like that, I must say. Not sure if I deserved. Anyway, thank you very much:tiphat::tiphat::tiphat:



The new California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, perhaps even better, "Austrionics".)

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

 

[Muza]

Zis mad me smil, olrit

it dos sem tu be an ansa tu or problems

 

[marval]

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

 

[Contratrombone64]

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
new outfit before going out.
She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with
disinterest, then remarked, 'Your bum is the size of a 3-burner
barbecue!'
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her
on the shoulder, and said, 'How bout it?
She replied 'No thanks,
It's not worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a sausage!'

 

[Mat]

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. The chicken sounds good,
I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. And the vegetable?"
he asks. Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

 

[marval]

HaHa I like them


Margaret

 

[marval]

Serving Your Country
Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water.
With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him. It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim.
When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.
The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. "I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country." The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy. The third boy chose the Naval Academy.
The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honours at Arlington National Cemetery"
The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age.
The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!"

 

[Corno Dolce]

Deleted by author

 

[Contratrombone64]

Bows low at Sweet Corn's broadly encompassing comment about an entire political group.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Lawyer on His Deathbed:

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?" He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. "What are you doing, honey?" she asked. "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

 

[marval]

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi -
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!"

The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."

The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"

"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the second day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 21 Bibles."

The second worker reports, "I sold 29 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is."

Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"​

 

[Contratrombone64]

LOL @ margaret

 

[intet_at_tabe]

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."​

:clap::clap::clap::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Like I stated it earlier on Ms. Margaret and Mat - the new pair of comedians at the MIMF.

 

[marval]

It was a celebratory mood for the boys at NASA, they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head of the project Dr.Wilson asked everyone to be quiet as he was recieving a congratulatory phone call fron the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone.

"Mr President," said Dr.Wilson, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of difficult research and spending billions of dollars, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said "But that's impossible....we could never do it...Yes Mr President," and hung up the phone. He then addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news he said," the President says that now we've found intelligent life on Mars he wants us to try and find it in Congress."

 

[marval]

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

 

[Contratrombone64]

LOL @ Margaret

 

[marval]

Dear Abby

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the begining, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian,

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless in New York



Dear Clueless

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

Your're a senator running for the President of the United States.

Act like one

 

[intet_at_tabe]

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:


It reminds me of a certain highly embarrassing incident two years ago. President Jr. in front of The White House to welcome the political leadership of China. Someone from the Foreign Office or the State Department could have avoided, what he actually spoke: The Republic of China :grin::grin:

It´s not called The Republic of China, but The Peoples Republic of China.

Taiwan or Tibet are the Republics of China. But then, when one can not speak or conclude a mature speech without the telepromter in front of him.......

Worst thing was, Junior did not even understand the embarrassment himself.

On topic:

""Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."

 

[marval]

Hi Intet

Yes President Jr does it again.

Like the Republican joke



Margaret