The Jokes Thread

[NEB]

I have a large library of joke which I have been trying to share. Each of these is a different joke, and I've been posting them in chunks as I get time to go through my HD and dig them all out.

That's how come they've been written that way. It is not something I have done (other than by accident) in any other thread. Neither was it my intention to contravene any guidelines, something for which I humbly appologise.

 

[Frederik Magle]

Don't sweat it NEB. No need for any apologies, I know it was not your intention to contravene the guidelines in any way, and my post was simply meant as a guideline going forward with this thread. Even I had almost forgotten about this very old rule. Looking forward to read more of the great jokes from your collection

 

[marval]

Oops I offended too, sorry guys.


Margaret

 

[janny108]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

1.You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2.You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4.You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5.You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6.You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7.You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8.You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9.If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10.Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1.You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2.If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3.You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4.You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5.Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6.No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7.More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8.You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9.All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10.Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2.Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4.If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5.You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6.You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8.Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9.You don't have to bother with toilets, just I love this forum in the street.
10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1.You can have a woman president without electing her.
2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3.You can call Budweiser beer.
4.You can be a crook and still be president.
5.If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6.If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7.You get to be really obese.
8.You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9.You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10.You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1.You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2.You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3.You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4.You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5.You can go skiing in your knickers.
6.You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7.You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8.You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious.
9.When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10.You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1.Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2.Warm beer.
3.You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4.You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5.Union jack underpants.
6.Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7.You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8.Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9.Ditto changing underwear.
10.Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1.You ain't English!
2.You ain't English!
3.You ain't English!
4.You ain't English!
5.You ain't English!
6.You ain't English!
7.You ain't English!
8.You ain't English!
9.You ain't English!
10.You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1.In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2.Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3.No need to worry about tax returns.
4.Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5.Can wear sunglasses inside.
6.Political stability.
7.Flexible working hours.
8.Live near the Pope.
9.Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10.Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1.Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2.The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrennees.
3.You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4.The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5.Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6.Honesty.
7.Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8.You get to eat bull's testicles.
9.Gibraltar.
10.Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

Do you have any other nationalities? These are fine!
Jan

 

[jvhldb]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN:
1. You can be elected to government if you've served a jail sentence.
2. The crime rate is the highest.
3. Unemployment is amongst the highest.
4. Electricity comsumption is higher than electricity supply.
5. The AIDS figure is higher than the inflation rate.
6. If there is a crime you don't have to phone the police as they are already there,
most probably commiting the crime.
7. We have Africa time.
8. You don't have to show up for appointments.
9. Car hi-jacking is considered a national sport.
10. You are not in Zimbabwe

 

[marval]

Here are some good books to read.

My golden wedding
by Annie Versary

The insurmountable problem
by Major Setback

Crime does not pay
by Laura Norda

A load of old rubbish
by Stefan Nonsense

Tape recording for beginners
by Cass Ette

Don't leave without me
by Isa Coming

Making the most of life
by Maxie Mumm

When shall we meet again
by Miles Apart

The Arctic Ocean
by I.C. Waters

 

[Muza]

Pilot Checklist
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

 

[Contratrombone64]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God replied: 'I just didn't recognise you !

 

[Muza]

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Tele

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

[Contratrombone64]

How do you get an oboist to play an A flat??

You take the batteries out of his/her electronic tuner ...

 

[Muza]

Why men don't write advice columns Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the arburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

 

[marval]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "do you want a game of darts?" he said, "Ok then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "your'e closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow, I rang her up. I said "did you get my drift?".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought he's trying to pull a fast one.

So I said to the gym instructor "can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "how flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to a Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition, and I won a years supply of Marmite........one jar.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said,"not you again."

Four fonts walk into a bar, the barman says "Oi-get out! We don't want your type in here.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "pint please, and one for the road."

 

[Contratrombone64]

An engineer, a priest and a doctor are all patiently waiting their turn at the local golf links. A group of men ahead of them are taking impossibly time with each shot ... As the ground's keeper wanders past the priest says "hey, why is that group being so slow, we'll be here all day at this rate". keeper says "Father, they're firefighters all blinded in a horror fire, we let them take their time as an act of kindness". Totally appalled the priest says "Oh goodness I feel awful, I'm make sure I add them to my prayers". The doctor says "don't be silly, I'm an optomologist and I'll see if I can't help them in a practical way". The engineer says "Can't they play at night?" ...

 

[Corno Dolce]

There used to be a Dairy Queen chain of Ice Cream stores where I live - No more now.

Here's the joke about DQ:

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

 

[marval]

As we would say Ooh matron

 

[Contratrombone64]

Sweet Corn, very subtle use of humour I see (not).

Why did Helen Rubenstein blush? Because Max Factor ...

 

[Contratrombone64]

Also - I'm still laughing over the joke on the first page (or second?) "the Amazing Claude" that's an absolutely classic!!

 

[Contratrombone64]

Did you hear about the great Irish music critic? Phil O'Stein ...

 

[Muza]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On a Flea collar box: It is a violation of Federal Law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling.
* On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping
* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary Details inside
* On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap
* Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head
* On Tesco’s Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body
* On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery
* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only
* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury’s Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts
* On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

 

[rojo]

:grin: Ct64...

This is completely silly, and made me laugh-

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XERWPMYfSYQ[/youtube]