The Jokes Thread

[NEB]

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Euros? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Euros."

 

[NEB]

There was a man driving on along the freeway listening to the radio in a world of his own when a bulletin comes across the radio: "Drivers, be careful, there is car going the wrong way on the freeway". And the man thinks to himself, "What's he talking about, all the cars are going the wrong way"

 

[NEB]

Q: What are the three thinnest books in the world?

1. A gourmet's guide to English cooking
2. Italian war heroes
3. Gems of American culture

 

[methodistgirl]

Q: What are the three thinnest books in the world?

1. A gourmet's guide to English cooking
2. Italian war heroes
3. Gems of American culture

I give up!
judy tooley

 

[NEB]

Depressed Man Diagnosed as "British"

George Farthing, an ex-patriot British man living in America, was
recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British.

Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving
late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams."The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
"weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad,really".

It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.
Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't
believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic
action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an
understanding of the English psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in England and is not seen as pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as English changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T- Shirt

 

[NEB]

MEDICAL - SPEAK

Said: "Appointment"
Meant: "An opportunity to wait until the doctor feels like seeing you."

Said: "A few more minutes."
Meant: "You have time to read the entire National Geographic."

Said: "Cutting edge procedure"
Meant: "Your insurance won't cover it."

Said: "Discomfort"
Meant: "Pain"

Said: "Procedure"
Meant: "Surgery"

Said: "Fairly Routine Procedure"
Meant: "Major Surgery"

Said: "Routine Procedure"
Meant: "Something experimental and dangerous."

Said: "Latest medical research"
Meant: "This week's guess."

When they say, "We did all that we could under the circumstances, with the knowledge that we had at the time,"
what they really mean is, "We blew it."


GOVERNMENT - SPEAK

Said: "Accountability without stifling the entrepreneurial spirit."
Meant: "Let the big guys keep cheating."

Said: "Social conscience"
Meant: "Public opinion polls"

Said: "A candidate with a good record."
Meant: "He hasn't been indicted yet."

Said: "We've got them on the run."
Meant: "We have no idea where they are."

Said: "A heightened security level alert this weekend."
Meant: "Act like you normally do. We just need to scare you every so often so you'll let us get rid of more civil liberties."

When they say, "We've discovered new covert-threatening activities in the region, but we aren't at liberty to divulge the details,"
what they're really saying is, "We've got to start this war soon before everyone starts blaming us for the economy."


SCHOOL - SPEAK

Said: "Fluid curriculum"
Meant: "We don't know what we're doing."

Said: "Developmental, not age-driven learning."
Meant: "What do we care when your kid learns to read?"

Said: "Challenging instructor"
Meant: "A bad teacher we just can't fire."

When parents say, "You won't learn anything if we help you with your math homework,"
what they really mean is: "I don't remember what the hell a cosine is."


BUSINESS - SPEAK

What They Said: "Accounting procedures"
What They Meant: "Ways to cheat"

Said: "I don't recall"
Meant: "I already shredded everything."

Said: "Synergy"
Meant: "Collusion"

Said: "We are revectoring portions of the company."
Meant: "You're fired."

Said: "We are downsizing."
Meant: "You're fired."

Said: "We are offering you early retirement."
Meant: "You're fired."

When they actually say, "You're fired," what they really mean is,
"We've checked with our lawyers. You're out of here, and we dare you to sue us."


PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP- SPEAK

Said: "We'll get together soon."
Meant: "Stop calling me."

Said: "I have to get up early tomorrow."
Meant: "I never want to see you again."

Said: "The kids never gave me your message."
Meant: "I didn't feel like calling you back."

Said: "Let's prioritize."
Meant: "Let's do the things I want to do."

Said: "I'm listening."
Meant: "I'm trying to watch TV."

Said: "You're in denial."
Meant: "You're disagreeing with me."

Said: "I'm still processing what you said."
Meant: "I forgot what you said."

Said: "That's a good color for you."
Meant: "Have you gained weight?"

Said: "Hey, Buddy, it's great to see you."
Meant: "I have no idea what your name is."

And, of course, if a relative of yours says, "You can always stay with us if you'd like,"
what they're really saying is, "There are plenty of nice hotels near our house."

 

[NEB]

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!", the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's penis is being exhibited
for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans -
"OOH GOD... they got me girl too!"

 

[NEB]

THE MALE RULES

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! JUST SAY IT!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.


1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really!


1. You have enough clothes!

1. You have too many shoes!

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.


1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

 

[NEB]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[NEB]

Not exactly funny, but this one regularly does the rounds to warn against - well you'll get the idea pretty quickly...

Condom Promotion Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
3. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
4. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
5. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
6. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
7. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
8. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
9. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
10. If you go into heat, package your meat.
11. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
12. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
13. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
14. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
15. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
16. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

 

[NEB]

How do you tell if a Princess has had an orgasm?
She stops filing her nails.

What does a Princess do with her Why? in the morning?
She sends him off to work.

 

[NEB]

An American is in a british pub having a pint. He keeps acting like he is punching numbers on a phone in his right hand and then holds his hand up as if he is talking into it. He keeps doing this several times.

One of the customers comments to the barman "whats up with that bloke, he thinks he has a phone in his hand, he surely is a few pints short of a sixpack."

So the barman walks over to the American and says "you're starting to scare some of my customers acting like you have a phone in your hand."

The American says "my hand has a phone built into it." The American then asks the barkeep what his phone number is, dials it, and the barman starts talking to his wife. The barman is amazed and tells the other customer about it.

A little time later the American goes to the bathroom. He has been in there for about 20 minutes. One of the patrons tells the barman to check on the American. The barman walks into the bathroom. The American is in a stall, his hands are holding the handicapped rails and he is sitting on the floor,his pants are down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass. The barman asks " what the hell are you doing?" The American replies " I am waiting for a fax."

 

[NEB]

Subject: SOME MEN.... (CAN be)

MEN

Men are like ... Floor Tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

Men are like ... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion

Men are like ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Crystal. Some look really good, but you can still see right through them.

Best of all,

Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the I love this forum out of you......

 

[marval]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding, where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy vivacious young womnan.

But lo and behold the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the hotel shop. The clerk looked really concerned, "whatever happened to you, honey? you look like you've been wrestling an alligator."

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,"oh my! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money."

 

[NEB]

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

1.You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2.You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4.You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5.You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6.You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7.You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8.You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9.If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10.Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1.You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2.If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3.You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4.You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5.Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6.No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7.More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8.You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9.All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10.Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2.Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4.If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5.You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6.You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8.Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9.You don't have to bother with toilets, just I love this forum in the street.
10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1.You can have a woman president without electing her.
2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3.You can call Budweiser beer.
4.You can be a crook and still be president.
5.If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6.If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7.You get to be really obese.
8.You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9.You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10.You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1.You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2.You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3.You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4.You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5.You can go skiing in your knickers.
6.You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7.You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8.You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious.
9.When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10.You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1.Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2.Warm beer.
3.You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4.You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5.Union jack underpants.
6.Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7.You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8.Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9.Ditto changing underwear.
10.Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1.You ain't English!
2.You ain't English!
3.You ain't English!
4.You ain't English!
5.You ain't English!
6.You ain't English!
7.You ain't English!
8.You ain't English!
9.You ain't English!
10.You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1.In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2.Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3.No need to worry about tax returns.
4.Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5.Can wear sunglasses inside.
6.Political stability.
7.Flexible working hours.
8.Live near the Pope.
9.Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10.Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1.Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2.The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrennees.
3.You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4.The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5.Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6.Honesty.
7.Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8.You get to eat bull's testicles.
9.Gibraltar.
10.Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

 

[NEB]

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Marge's ear and she said, "Marge, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Marge answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

 

[NEB]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

[Krummhorn]

Folks ... let's keep the jokes "clean" ok? This is an International & Community forum and is searchable by any age group on the internet. The use of offensive words and/or foul words may not be presenting the best image for this forum.

Krummhorn,
Sr. Regulator

 

[NEB]

Ooooops - Sorry. I've been going through my library and weeding out the worst offenders. Not quite sure what I can get away with though...

 

[Frederik Magle]

I agree with Krummhorn. Just tone the offensive words down a bit and I think everything should be ok.

Another thing... ahem.... *dusts off the old posting guidelines* ...hmmm... let's see... oh, yes, here's one of the old rules :

Do not make several posts in a row in the same thread if it can be avoided. If you have made a post and wish to add additional info / follow up - and others have not yet replied - if possible edit the post instead of making a new reply. (you can edit posts up to 12 hours after posting). Please note that this guideline is in part made to avoid inflation of the title system

This rule is not being enforced strictly on a daily basis, which is alright, but in a thread like this with so many posts it does have some merit, and I will ask of you all to please follow it from here on, thanks