The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
NEB
New member
Corporate Rowing
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Mississippi River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower: "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Mississippi River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower: "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
NEB
New member
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Alphie and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Alphie and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
NEB
New member
A group of kindergartners was trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done?
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the I love this forum".
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done?
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the I love this forum".
NEB
New member
Well if the previous ones havn't gotten me brought up on charges yet, this one probably will but what the heck - it's funny all the same!
Parental Code
A husband and a wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced... "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Parental Code
A husband and a wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced... "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
NEB
New member
1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: U.S. president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: U.S. president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system!
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.
1970: U.S. president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: U.S. president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system!
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
NEB
New member
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
NEB
New member
There's three guys are on lin to get in heaven...St peter says to the first one: "what brought you here?"...the first guy said, well I thought my wife was having an affair so I came home early to catch her..I burst through the door and checked everywhere but I couldn't find the Who?...finally, I look outside and he's out their hanging off the fire escape...So I started beating on his fingers until he fell four stories down to the bottom...He hit some bushes and was rolling around still alive, so in my fury, I pushed the refrigerator out the window and it fell four floors onto the Who? and killed him instantly.....but in all the excitement , I had a heart attack and dropped dead.....
St. Peter was visibly shaken and moved on to the second one in line.."My son, what brought you here"?..the second guy says, well there I was on my 5th floor balcony doing exercise like i do every morning when I lost my balance , flipped over the edge and grabbed onto the fire escape on the 4th floor..I was hanging there for about 30 seconds when some maniac comes and starts punching and biting my fingers...I couldn't hold on any longer and fell 4 floors into some bushes....both my legs were broken but I was alive!!!...but then this Why? gets a refrigerator and pushes it 4 stories down onto my head killing me instantly...
St. Peter can barely breath as he approaches the next man in line and says, "my son , what brought you here?" ..the third guy in line says " Your never going to belive this , but there I was naked inside of a refrigerator......
St. Peter was visibly shaken and moved on to the second one in line.."My son, what brought you here"?..the second guy says, well there I was on my 5th floor balcony doing exercise like i do every morning when I lost my balance , flipped over the edge and grabbed onto the fire escape on the 4th floor..I was hanging there for about 30 seconds when some maniac comes and starts punching and biting my fingers...I couldn't hold on any longer and fell 4 floors into some bushes....both my legs were broken but I was alive!!!...but then this Why? gets a refrigerator and pushes it 4 stories down onto my head killing me instantly...
St. Peter can barely breath as he approaches the next man in line and says, "my son , what brought you here?" ..the third guy in line says " Your never going to belive this , but there I was naked inside of a refrigerator......
marval
New member
Very good, the last one I knew, still funny though.
Here are some new dog varieties.
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dachsund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa-Apso
Peekaso, an abstact dog.
Irish water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Bassett Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabedor, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by ...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind.
Here are some new dog varieties.
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dachsund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa-Apso
Peekaso, an abstact dog.
Irish water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Bassett Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabedor, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by ...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind.
marval
New member
Did you hear about.
The paper company that folded
The brake company on the skids
The bra manufacturer who went bust
The surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary
The cigarette company that went up in smoke
The baker who was short of dough
The refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen
The corset firm that felt the squeeze
The upholsterers who couldn't cover their costs
The adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation
The tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court
The downfall of the bungee suppliers
The train company that went off the rails
The ship building company that sunk
The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots
The paper company that folded
The brake company on the skids
The bra manufacturer who went bust
The surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary
The cigarette company that went up in smoke
The baker who was short of dough
The refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen
The corset firm that felt the squeeze
The upholsterers who couldn't cover their costs
The adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation
The tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court
The downfall of the bungee suppliers
The train company that went off the rails
The ship building company that sunk
The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots
NEB
New member
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
---------------------------------------------------
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
-----------------------------------------------------
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
----------------------------------------------------
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
----------------------------------------------------
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
----------------------------------------------------
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
-----------------------------------------------------
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
-----------------------------------------------------
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
----------------------------------------------------
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
----------------------------------------------------
and the number 1 "He said...She said"..
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
---------------------------------------------------
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
-----------------------------------------------------
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
----------------------------------------------------
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
----------------------------------------------------
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
----------------------------------------------------
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
-----------------------------------------------------
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
-----------------------------------------------------
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
----------------------------------------------------
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
----------------------------------------------------
and the number 1 "He said...She said"..
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there
NEB
New member
Things You Can Only Say at Thanksgiving:
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
NEB
New member
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
NEB
New member
A Mongolian sheep herder went out with his dog and his sheep to let them graze, in the distance he spots a Jeep Grand Cherokee coming his way. Confused, he approaches the Jeep and sees a man get out and start punching numbers in a calculator while writing frantically.
The sheep herder asks, "What are you doing?"
The man replies, "I bet you a sheep that I can calculate how many you have out grazing"
Now the sheep were many, in the 100's and the herder doubted it and agreed to the wager. The man continues to crunch numbers feverishly and finally announces his calculation.
"312" the man exclaims.
The sheep herder, awestruck that he is correct, signals for the man to take a sheep, the man does and starts on his way but the herder stops him and says,
"If I can guess your occupation, you must give it back"
the man agrees and the herder says, "You are a consultant"
The man, dumbfounded replies, "How the hell did you know?"
The herder says, "Well, first of all, nobody called you and you came,
second of all, thats not a sheep, thats a dog!!!!!!!!!
The sheep herder asks, "What are you doing?"
The man replies, "I bet you a sheep that I can calculate how many you have out grazing"
Now the sheep were many, in the 100's and the herder doubted it and agreed to the wager. The man continues to crunch numbers feverishly and finally announces his calculation.
"312" the man exclaims.
The sheep herder, awestruck that he is correct, signals for the man to take a sheep, the man does and starts on his way but the herder stops him and says,
"If I can guess your occupation, you must give it back"
the man agrees and the herder says, "You are a consultant"
The man, dumbfounded replies, "How the hell did you know?"
The herder says, "Well, first of all, nobody called you and you came,
second of all, thats not a sheep, thats a dog!!!!!!!!!
marval
New member
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim, seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion".
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looks up into the sky and said, "Thank you God , for the food I'm about to receive".
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim, seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion".
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looks up into the sky and said, "Thank you God , for the food I'm about to receive".