Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Sir Arthur's probably not rolling in his grave, rather (in the spirit world) chasing scantily clad vaudeville beauties about, you reckon?
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Here's a new one I received today in an email:
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater
seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills
first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that
you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far
with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell',
just can't stay on the church roof!"
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater
seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills
first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that
you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far
with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell',
just can't stay on the church roof!"
marval
New member
I like that one.
I expect this is an old one.
There was a church in dire need of a bell ringer.
Several people applied for the job, but they were turned down.
On day a man came to the church and asked for the job.
The priest hiring looked at him and said "how can you ring the bell? you have no arms to to pull on the rope".
The man said "let me show you". So they walked up to the belfry, the man took five steps back and ran towards the bell, and smacked it with his face. The bell rang and the priest said "I'm sorry but it was not loud enough, for all the townspeople to hear in an emergency".
The man with no arms then stepped back ten paces, and ran towords the bell, and smacked it with his face. The bell rang but the priest still said it was not loud enough, and he could not hire him.
The man said "please give me one more chance and I will show you that I can ring the bell loud enough".
The priest said "ok".
The man with no arms stepped back fifteen paces, and ran as hard as he could, but this time he missed the bell and fell out of the belfry, to the ground to his death.
The priest ran down as fast as he could to check on the man with no arms. As the priest approached, there was already a crowd of townspeople gathered around his body.
The priest explained what happened, and asked if anbody knew the man with no arms.
Several of the townpeople walked up to look, and told the priest they had no idea who he was. Then suddenly a gentleman appeared, and took a good look at the man with no arms and told the priest.
"No father, I don't know who he is, but his face rings a bell".
I expect this is an old one.
There was a church in dire need of a bell ringer.
Several people applied for the job, but they were turned down.
On day a man came to the church and asked for the job.
The priest hiring looked at him and said "how can you ring the bell? you have no arms to to pull on the rope".
The man said "let me show you". So they walked up to the belfry, the man took five steps back and ran towards the bell, and smacked it with his face. The bell rang and the priest said "I'm sorry but it was not loud enough, for all the townspeople to hear in an emergency".
The man with no arms then stepped back ten paces, and ran towords the bell, and smacked it with his face. The bell rang but the priest still said it was not loud enough, and he could not hire him.
The man said "please give me one more chance and I will show you that I can ring the bell loud enough".
The priest said "ok".
The man with no arms stepped back fifteen paces, and ran as hard as he could, but this time he missed the bell and fell out of the belfry, to the ground to his death.
The priest ran down as fast as he could to check on the man with no arms. As the priest approached, there was already a crowd of townspeople gathered around his body.
The priest explained what happened, and asked if anbody knew the man with no arms.
Several of the townpeople walked up to look, and told the priest they had no idea who he was. Then suddenly a gentleman appeared, and took a good look at the man with no arms and told the priest.
"No father, I don't know who he is, but his face rings a bell".
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Awww Ms. Margaret - that was a bit disconcerting of a joke 
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
marval - you crack me up
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
such jocund humour ...
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
A lawyer was at a restaurant and, having just finished off the main course, he asked the waiter for the dessert menu. He looked through the menu whilst the waiter stood ready to jot down the selection. The lawyer then looked up and said to the waiter: "Since I'm a lawyer, I think i'll have the Tort".
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Yeah Krummhorn,
Thank goodness it was not a tart - I remember a middle-aged attorney in New York who was caught in carnal relations with a teenage girl. He was charged with rape. She cried out in the courtroom in his defense and said that he didn't rape her and that she wanted an experienced lover. What was the guy thinking??? Sheeesh!!!!!!!
Cheers,
Corno Dolce
Thank goodness it was not a tart - I remember a middle-aged attorney in New York who was caught in carnal relations with a teenage girl. He was charged with rape. She cried out in the courtroom in his defense and said that he didn't rape her and that she wanted an experienced lover. What was the guy thinking??? Sheeesh!!!!!!!
Cheers,
Corno Dolce
marval
New member
Here's one about a lawyer defending a man accused of burglary.
My client merely inserted his arm into the window, and removed a few small items.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence commited by his limb.
Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
My client merely inserted his arm into the window, and removed a few small items.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence commited by his limb.
Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
