Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
I love the Aussie joke (being an Aussie of course) and Marvel, I've shared your jokes around the office and there's been much guffawing.
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
What's the only part of Popeye that doesn't rust?
The part he keeps in Olive Oil ...
tish boom
The part he keeps in Olive Oil ...
tish boom
marval
New member
An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says "doctor I need something for my eyes, I can't see well these days".
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses, and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says "what's the problem, didn't the glasses help?"
"The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the last two years".
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses, and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says "what's the problem, didn't the glasses help?"
"The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the last two years".
marval
New member
A couple had two boys aged 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occured in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to the boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the 10 year old in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "where is God"?
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. the clergyman repeated the question, "where is God"? Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "where is God"?
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and climbed into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened"?
The younger brother, gasping for breath replied, "we are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it".
The boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to the boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the 10 year old in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "where is God"?
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. the clergyman repeated the question, "where is God"? Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "where is God"?
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and climbed into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened"?
The younger brother, gasping for breath replied, "we are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it".
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marval
New member
Christmas Fruitcake Recipe.
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gal whiskey
Method
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink, repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still ok. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something, who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window, Check the whiskey again. Go to bed and have dreams of a fat man in a red suit with children with strange pointy ears, dressed in green by your bed.
LOL Merry CHRISTmas
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gal whiskey
Method
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink, repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still ok. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something, who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window, Check the whiskey again. Go to bed and have dreams of a fat man in a red suit with children with strange pointy ears, dressed in green by your bed.
LOL Merry CHRISTmas
marval
New member
Here are some unfortunate notices.
In a toilet
Toilet out of order please use floor below
In a Laundry
Automatic washing machines, please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a store
Bargain basement upstairs
In an office
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an office
After tea break staff should empty the teapot, and stand upside down on the draining board
Outside a second hand shop
We exchange anything, bicyles,washing machines. etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain
In health food shop window
Closed due to illness
In a safari park
Elephants please stay in your car
During a conference
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor
In a farmers field
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
On a repair shop door
We can repair anything, (please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work
In a toilet
Toilet out of order please use floor below
In a Laundry
Automatic washing machines, please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a store
Bargain basement upstairs
In an office
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an office
After tea break staff should empty the teapot, and stand upside down on the draining board
Outside a second hand shop
We exchange anything, bicyles,washing machines. etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain
In health food shop window
Closed due to illness
In a safari park
Elephants please stay in your car
During a conference
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor
In a farmers field
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
On a repair shop door
We can repair anything, (please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work
marval
New member
How all careers end.
Lawyers are disbarred
Ministers are defrocked
Electricians are delighted / refused
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented
Drunks are distilled
Alpine climbers are dismounted
Piano tuners are unstrung
Orchestra leaders are disbanded
Artists models are deposed
Cooks are deranged
Nudists are redressed
Office clerks are defiled
Mediums are dispirited
Programmers are decoded
Accountants are discredited
Pastry chefs are deserted
Perfume makers are dissented
Butterfly collectors are debugged
Students are degraded
Bodybuilders are rebuffed
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discoloured
Judges are disappointed
Vegas dealers are discarded
Mathematicians are discounted
Tree surgeons disembark
Lawyers are disbarred
Ministers are defrocked
Electricians are delighted / refused
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented
Drunks are distilled
Alpine climbers are dismounted
Piano tuners are unstrung
Orchestra leaders are disbanded
Artists models are deposed
Cooks are deranged
Nudists are redressed
Office clerks are defiled
Mediums are dispirited
Programmers are decoded
Accountants are discredited
Pastry chefs are deserted
Perfume makers are dissented
Butterfly collectors are debugged
Students are degraded
Bodybuilders are rebuffed
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discoloured
Judges are disappointed
Vegas dealers are discarded
Mathematicians are discounted
Tree surgeons disembark
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Hi Ms. Margaret,
You forgot one:
Composers will decompose :crazy:
Cheers,
Corno Dolce
You forgot one:
Composers will decompose :crazy:
Cheers,
Corno Dolce
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Hi Krummhorn,
And... old organists never pipe down
And... old organists never pipe down
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Thanx Ms. Margaret...
Hi Krummhorn,
And... old organists never pipe down
:nut: I've never heard that one, Corno Dolce ... Laughing my socks off :nut:
Not a joke, but certainly humorous "alternate" lyrics for the well known hymn tune: St. Denio: (Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise)
Immoral, impossible, God only knows
how tenors and basses, sopranos, altos
at service on Sunday are rarely the same
as those who on Thursday to choir practice came.
Unready, unable to sight-read the notes
nor counting, nor blending, they tighten their throats.
The descant so piercing is soaring above
the melody only a mother could love.
They have a director, but no one knows why.
No one in the choir deigns turn him an eye.
It's clear by his waving, he wants them to look,
but each of them stands with his nose in the book.
Despite the offenses, the music rings out.
The folks in the pews are enraptured, no doubt.
Their faces are blissful, their thoughts are so deep,
But it is no wonder, for they are asleep
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Thanx you most blessed, honored, and most dear Krummhorn for sharing the alternate text to the St. Denio tune. I heard it many years ago and busted my ribs with laughter. Again you brought me great mirth and merriment:grin::grin::grin:
Thank you dear sir,
Corno Dolce
ps. Sooooooooo true - life does imitate art - you can wave all you want as choir director but sometimes being a choir director is like herding cats.
:grin::grin::grin:Thank you dear sir,
Corno Dolce
ps. Sooooooooo true - life does imitate art - you can wave all you want as choir director but sometimes being a choir director is like herding cats.
marval
New member
That alternate text was really funny.
Here's more laughter I hope.
A new paster moved into town, and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no-one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times.
Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10". Upon opening his Bible to the passage his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads "Behold, I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice, and opens the door I will come in to him, and will dine with him and he with me".
Genesis 3:10 Reads "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked".
Here's more laughter I hope.
A new paster moved into town, and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no-one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times.
Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10". Upon opening his Bible to the passage his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads "Behold, I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice, and opens the door I will come in to him, and will dine with him and he with me".
Genesis 3:10 Reads "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked".