The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Miss Margeret :lol::lol::lol::lol::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat:
It seems the language here or the philosophical meaning behind the wise words, do not realy beong in church. However we´re all children of The Lord. AWESOME.
One of the things in my disputable life that I never could participate in, remembering jokes, and you guys are incredible - hats off to Ya all :tiphat::tiphat:
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
marval
New member
A young blonde was on vacation, in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers the blonde shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
The shopkeeper said "by all means, be my guest, maybe you'll be lucky and catch a big one." The blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming towards her, she takes aim and kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort pulls it on to the bank.
Lying nearby were several more dead alligators. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back and frustrated shouts out, "bother it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers the blonde shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
The shopkeeper said "by all means, be my guest, maybe you'll be lucky and catch a big one." The blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming towards her, she takes aim and kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort pulls it on to the bank.
Lying nearby were several more dead alligators. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back and frustrated shouts out, "bother it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Good one, marval.
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
marval
New member
Another good joke Mat.
Three dogs, a labrador, a doberman and a bulldog are all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a good looking female collie comes in. She comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can walk me home."
Quickly the doberman says "I love liver and cheese," the collie replies "that's not good enough." The bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese," she laughs and says "thats not creative enough."
Finally the labrador says "liver alone............cheese mine."
Three dogs, a labrador, a doberman and a bulldog are all sat in a bar having a quiet drink when a good looking female collie comes in. She comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese in a single sentence can walk me home."
Quickly the doberman says "I love liver and cheese," the collie replies "that's not good enough." The bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese," she laughs and says "thats not creative enough."
Finally the labrador says "liver alone............cheese mine."
C5Says
New member
C5Says
New member
Thanks Margaret. 
There was a private plane that's going to crashland. In it were Bill Gates, Tiger Woods, the Pope and a steward.
There were only 3 parachutes.
Tiger Woods got one and said he is an important figure of the sports world. He just does it and took one of the parachutes and jumped.
Bill Gates said he is an intelligent man that's why he was able to change technology that is why he's also very important so he grabbed one also and jumped.
The Pope told the steward that he's very old and that the steward save himself for he is very young, much is yet to come.
The steward said, "don't worry. The intelligent guy took my backpack."
There was a private plane that's going to crashland. In it were Bill Gates, Tiger Woods, the Pope and a steward.
There were only 3 parachutes.
Tiger Woods got one and said he is an important figure of the sports world. He just does it and took one of the parachutes and jumped.
Bill Gates said he is an intelligent man that's why he was able to change technology that is why he's also very important so he grabbed one also and jumped.
The Pope told the steward that he's very old and that the steward save himself for he is very young, much is yet to come.
The steward said, "don't worry. The intelligent guy took my backpack."
marval
New member
Oh Yes I like that one.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the barman, "can I have a pint of less please?"
"I'm sorry sir," replies the barman, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before, is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the man. "The thing is I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the barman, "can I have a pint of less please?"
"I'm sorry sir," replies the barman, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before, is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the man. "The thing is I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
C5Says
New member
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
marval and C5Says - You guys are so funny :grin::grin::grin::grin: I guess it comes naturally, when you´re addicted to drink coffee :grin::grin: Just one problem with this assumption. Why can´t I remember jokes then? Please, do not answer this.
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
I've heard it recently for the first time and I thougth I'd post it here.
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
marval
New member
A man walks into a bar , very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the barman asks him what the matter is.
The man replies "well I have two horses (sniff sniff) and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The barman feeling sorry for the man says "why don't you shave off the tail of one of the horses."
The man stops crying, "that sounds like a good idea I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar, in a worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the barman asks. Ths man says "I shaved off the tail on one of the horses but it grew back, and I can't tell them apart again."
The bartender just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you shave it's mane maybe that won't grow again." The man stops crying, has a few drinks and leaves.
A few months later the man is back, sobbing his heart out. "I shaved the mane off, but it grew back." he said.
The barman is a little fed up by now and yells, "for goodness sake why don't you just measure the horses, one might be taller than the other one." The man storms out of the bar.
The next day the man comes running back into the bar, as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked it worked" he said. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one."
The man replies "well I have two horses (sniff sniff) and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The barman feeling sorry for the man says "why don't you shave off the tail of one of the horses."
The man stops crying, "that sounds like a good idea I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar, in a worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the barman asks. Ths man says "I shaved off the tail on one of the horses but it grew back, and I can't tell them apart again."
The bartender just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you shave it's mane maybe that won't grow again." The man stops crying, has a few drinks and leaves.
A few months later the man is back, sobbing his heart out. "I shaved the mane off, but it grew back." he said.
The barman is a little fed up by now and yells, "for goodness sake why don't you just measure the horses, one might be taller than the other one." The man storms out of the bar.
The next day the man comes running back into the bar, as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked it worked" he said. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one."
Good one, Mrgaret
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.