The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Jack and Jill were getting married.
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.
Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.
Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
marval
New member
As you are receiving E-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused. Sometimes unintentionally with serious consequenses.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left snow-filled streets of Chicago for a holiday in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick E-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her E-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away the day before. When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a faint.
Hearing her scream, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen.
Dearest wife
Just got checked in, everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left snow-filled streets of Chicago for a holiday in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick E-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her E-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away the day before. When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a faint.
Hearing her scream, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen.
Dearest wife
Just got checked in, everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
marval
New member
What not to put on your resume (CV).
I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organisation skills: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organisation : I've used Microsoft Office.
I'm honest , hard-working and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centered: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a sense of humour: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'm personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm willing to relocate: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'm extremely professional: I carry a Day-Timer.
My background and skills match your requirements: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go: I'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I have formal training: I'm a college drop-out.
I interact well with co-workers: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and consideration: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I look forward to hearing from you soon: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organisation skills: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organisation : I've used Microsoft Office.
I'm honest , hard-working and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centered: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a sense of humour: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'm personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm willing to relocate: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'm extremely professional: I carry a Day-Timer.
My background and skills match your requirements: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go: I'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I have formal training: I'm a college drop-out.
I interact well with co-workers: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and consideration: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I look forward to hearing from you soon: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
:grin::grin::grin::grin:
After the first round in the yearly contest of stand-up comedians, the judged have voted. Miss Magaret - Deuce point, C5Says - Deuce point - Capt´n Mat - Deuce point.
This mean we for the first time in the history of the Jokes thread on the good ship MIMF have three equaly winners :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::clap::clap:Any of you guys need an agent?
Thank you, Intet
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
* A Male's Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
* A Male's Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
marval ... that's an oldie but a goodie (like me).
How do you capture a unique animal?
How do you capture a unique animal?
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Hi CT64,
Answer to your joke: You "nique" up on it.
Cheers,
CD
Answer to your joke: You "nique" up on it.
Cheers,
CD
He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said..You wear briefs, don't you
He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.
He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.
He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.
He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
She said..You wear briefs, don't you
He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.
He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.
He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.
He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Miss Margaret rockin´:lol::lol::lol::lol:
marval
New member
Well guys as it is Valentines day, this will either get you all romantic or put you off.
Anyway happy Valentines day to you all.
Do you love me? Of course, then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.
Lemon meringue pie.
What would it take to get you to kiss me?
An Anaesthetic.
The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend
But who want's to go out with a computer.
My husband is a man of many parts
Pity they weren't put together properly.
I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend
I wish I could make a trade like that.
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
If miss Piggy married Mr Back
She'd be Piggy Back
They're the perfect match, he's a history teacher and she likes dates.
When plus and minus got married they had an addition to the family. The thing is he turned out to be a problem child.
Anyway happy Valentines day to you all.
Do you love me? Of course, then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.
Lemon meringue pie.
What would it take to get you to kiss me?
An Anaesthetic.
The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend
But who want's to go out with a computer.
My husband is a man of many parts
Pity they weren't put together properly.
I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend
I wish I could make a trade like that.
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
If miss Piggy married Mr Back
She'd be Piggy Back
They're the perfect match, he's a history teacher and she likes dates.
When plus and minus got married they had an addition to the family. The thing is he turned out to be a problem child.
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Thank you, Margaret.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
*giggles* @ Sweet Corn ... you got me.
marval
New member
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying, " no a bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said, " listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, " well so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again."
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying, " no a bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said, " listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, " well so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again."
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.
marval
New member
That's a good one Mat.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick, and a substitute organist had been brought in at the last minute. The substitue wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said inpatiently, " but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, " brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty, the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more please stand up."
At that moment the substiture organist played " The star spangled banner."
And that is how the substiture became the regular organist.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick, and a substitute organist had been brought in at the last minute. The substitue wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said inpatiently, " but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, " brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty, the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more please stand up."
At that moment the substiture organist played " The star spangled banner."
And that is how the substiture became the regular organist.