The Jokes Thread

[Mat]

Hello Margaret,

I like the one with contact lens the most.



The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.'

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!'

'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.'

 

[marval]

HaHaHaHa

Oh dear.

 

[marval]

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter took their drinks order.

"I would like a Pepsi," said the first little piggie

"I would like a glass of cola," said the second little piggie

"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie

The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first little piggie

"I would like the salad plate," said the second little piggie

"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first little piggie

"I want a nice slice of strawberry cheesescake," said the second little piggie

"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

"Well somebody has to go wee wee wee all the way home!" replied the third little piggie.

 

[Mat]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Miss Margaret and Mat

You guys are stand up comedians :lol::lol::lol::lol::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::clap::clap: keep èm coming

 

[Mat]

As you wish , Intet:tiphat:


This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an Why? when you're drunk."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

As you wish , Intet:tiphat:


More, more, more :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana:

 

[Mat]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

You´re realy rockin´ Mat :grin::smirk:. Is it all from memory?´:lol::lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[Mat]

Some of them - yes. But remember that the Internet is inexhaustible source:grin:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Some of them - yes. But remember that the Internet is inexhaustible source:grin:

Thank you for the advice Captain of Water Music, first rank.

Btw. I did not ask you to stop? :grin::grin:

 

[C5Says]

C5Says

Actually my calculation was wrong, instead it´s - Uno, Dos, Dres, Quartro but then is Singo, Says....
Just thought, I´d help you out. :grin::grin::banana::banana::wave::wave: Ole´

That's uno, dos, tres, quatro, and Cinco...which is my surname.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

That's uno, dos, tres, quatro, and Cinco...which is my surname.

Just kiddin´. I missed you C5Says :grin:

 

[C5Says]

Just kiddin´. I missed you C5Says :grin:

Oh, thanks...I was at church...left home at noon and got back at 9pm...now it's 1:37AM....and sleepy... nice to be back

 

[Mat]

Thank you for the advice Captain of Water Music, first rank.

You are most welcome

Btw. I did not ask you to stop? :grin::grin:

A blonde brunette and a red head were all getting chased by a farmer, so the brunette hid in the dog house, the red head hid in the cat house, and the blonde hid in a sack of potatoes. The farmer came in and kicked the dog house, the brunette barked and he thought that was normal. he kicked the cat house and the red head meowed, he thought that was normal. He kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde went "Patatoe" "patatoe"

 

[marval]

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table

One of them spots a whisk and asks "what's that?"

The other egg looks puzzled and replies "beats me."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

You are most welcome

A blonde brunette and a red head were all getting chased by a farmer, so the brunette hid in the dog house, the red head hid in the cat house, and the blonde hid in a sack of potatoes. The farmer came in and kicked the dog house, the brunette barked and he thought that was normal. he kicked the cat house and the red head meowed, he thought that was normal. He kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde went "Patatoe" "patatoe"

Mat

You´re rockin´. :lol::lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::clap::clap:

Here I am close to 04 in the early hours of sunday morning. My first entry today. LMAO. Did you ever seriously think about whether your career could take another turn? I mean in jokes?

And then not a word more about blonde women in generel being, well? Keep èm coming Capt´n, you´re AWESOME :grin::grin::grin::grin:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table

One of them spots a whisk and asks "what's that?"

The other egg looks puzzled and replies "beats me."

marval "beats me" :lol::lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[Mat]

You´re rockin´. :lol::lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::clap::clap:

Here I am close to 04 in the early hours of sunday morning. My first entry today. LMAO. Did you ever seriously think about whether your career could take another turn? I mean in jokes?

Hey, you are an 'early bird' , aren't you?

Hmm, that might be quite cool. Before going on stage I would tell a few jokes... I'm wondering... What would be more pathetic: jokes or performance itself?:grin:



And now the joke:


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[marval]

The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: Repeat the last point, his teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold I come quickly." Still nothing, he tried one more time...Speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher apologised profusely.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault, I should have moved out of the way. You told me three times you were coming."