The amusing sayings thread

[Contratrombone64]

I'll start with a personal favourite:

"He was so useless he couldn't hit a barn door with a hand full of wheat"

 

[Dorsetmike]

"Don't confuse me with facts, I've made up my mind."

"As easy as carrying a fart in a sieve"

In line with your "useless" above, one posted in another thread springs to mind

"As much use as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest"

A couple of others are not repeatable in polite company such as this forum.

 

[JHC]

A local one that springs "As much use as tits on a Bull"

and of course this one which has many variations:

 

[jhnbrbr]

One from the "Black Country" (previously industrial area of UK Midlands with distinctive dialect):

"When you'm dead, you'm dead a long time."

 

[marval]

One saying I have used is "As much use as a pig in a parachute."


Here's one from Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker Books.

Zaphod Beeblebrox declares, "I'm so hip, I can barely see over my pelvis!"


Margaret

 

[wljmrbill]

" useless as tits on a bore hog"
"that will be a cold day in Hell"

 

[Dorsetmike]

• A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
  
• Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
• Youth is a malady from which one becomes cured a little every day.
• He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

 

[Hawk Henries]

Love your enemies. It makes them so darned mad.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

Did you ever stop to think ~ and forget to start again?

 

[Buttercup89]

Journalism is unreadable, literature is never read. ~Oscar Wilde

 

[Contratrombone64]

"eat my shorts" - Bart Simpson

"Oh God, I hope it rains" - Joan of Arc

 

[marval]

"There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines." - Bob Goddard

 

[Contratrombone64]

LOL @ marval

Mark Latham (formmer leader of the labour party here about the former Libral Government):

"they're a conga-line of suckholes..."

 

[marval]

I like that one CT.

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." - George Burns

 

[Dorsetmike]

Margaret, I'm past that stage, I now only wear slip on shoes.

 

[marval]

Oh dear Mike, never mind.

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante


Margaret

 

[Soubasse]

Heard this beauty from a Scotsman on another forum (don't actually know if he thought of it or purloined it from somewhere else):

"As useful as Heather Mills left foot in a toe-curling competition"

 

[marval]

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie

 

[Dorsetmike]

A comment aimed at daydreamers

Sat on ya thumb with ya mind in neutral.

 

[marval]

I like that one Mike, can I do that now.


An expression for forgetful people.


He was that forgetful his mother used to wrap his lunch in a map


Margaret

 

[teddy]

AS much use as an ashtray on a motorblke.

As useful as a chocolate teapot

teddy