from the mouth of children

[Contratrombone64]

Apochrophal I know, but this was supposedly answers to religious studies questions set for school kids ... most amusing.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL ..

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE A POSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 

[Corno Dolce]

Oh CT64,

You Are So Bad :shake::shake::shake::banghead::banghead::banghead::scold::scold::scold:ray:ray:ray:

Now I'm gonna have to say 100 Hail Mary's.......

 

[marval]

Hi CT

I love it, aren't children just the font of all laughter.

Margaret

 

[marval]

Here are some more supposedly funny answers:


Children’s Answers to Science Exam Questions


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

[C5Says]

lol, margaret, i've been laughing in the still of the night past midnight!

 

[marval]

Hi C5

I hope the laughter did not stop you sleeping.


Margaret

 

[Contratrombone64]

margaret - love 'em, thanks! I particular like can you delay milk turning sour and from my list an immaculate contraption

 

[C5Says]

margaret, i just awoke about 2 hours ago...last night i had no problem sleeping. in fact, after reading your entry and had a good laugh, i had to quit because i got sleepy.

 

[marval]

Here are some more funny kids

These are original and genuine...no adult could be this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties--mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday
sermon...."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!

 

[Corno Dolce]

Awww gee, thanx for the levity Ms. Margaret - I really ROTFLMAO when reading Clinton's riposte - It reminded me of the capers of a former US President :grin::lol:

 

[marval]

Hi CD

Glad you like the levity

I did laugh when I saw the name Clinton.


Margaret

 

[Contratrombone64]

Margaret - delightful, thanks for sharing!

 

[marval]

Apparently a teacher gave her class the first part of a proverb, and let them finish them off. They are a little different to the ones I knew.


As you shall make your bed so shall you.....Mess it up

Strike while the.....Bug is close

It's always darkest before.....Daylight savings time

Never estimate the power of.....Termites

You can lead a horse to water but.....How?

Don't bite the hand that.....Looks dirty

No news is.....Impossible


A miss is as good as a.....Mr

You can't teach an old dog new.....Math


If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.....Stink in the morning

Love all, trust.....Me

The pen is mightier than the.....Pigs

An idle mind is.....The best way to relax

Where there's smoke, there's.....Pollution

Happy the bride who.....Gets all the presents

A penny saved is.....Not much

Two's company, three's.....The Musketeers

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....You have to blow your nose

Children should be seen and not.....Spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.....Get new batteries

When the blind leadeth the blind.....Get out of the way

 

[Corno Dolce]

Hi Ms. Margaret,

Just an observation on the phrase "A penny saved is a penny earned":

A penny saved can be more then a penny earned. Which would you rather take? $1,000,000 or the sum of a penny a day, doubled everyday for thirty days?

Ans: A penny a day, doubled everyday for thirty days equals $10,737,418.24
Instead of writing out the summation for everyday you can easily write 0.1*(2^30)

Ah yes, the magic of compounding interest.

Cheers,

CD

 

[marval]

Hi Corno Dolce

I am with you on this one.

I'll have the $10,737,418.24 any day.


Margaret

 

[Contratrombone64]

Sweet Corn - you're a bottomless pit of amusement.

 

[marval]

Some more amusing answers from children.

The future of I give is I take

The parts of speech are lungs and air

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes

A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population

Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, hydrogin is gin and water

Define H20 and Co2. H20 is hot water and C02 is cold water

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot

The general direction of the Alps is straight up

A city purifies it's water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of paris

The people who followed The Lord were called the 12 opossums

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk

One of the main causes of dust is janitors

A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities

One by-product of raising cattle is calves

To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter

 

[marval]

Children on Relationships

How would you make your marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

Ricky, age 10
​

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8
​

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

Both don’t want any more kids.

Lori, age 8
​

What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8
​

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10
​

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Craig, age 9
​

When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they’re rich.

Pam, age 7
​

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7
​

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8
​

What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10
​

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

Freddie, age 6
​

Is it better to be single or married?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.

Theodore, age 8
​

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9
​

How do you decide whom to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10
​

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

Kristen, age 10​

 

[Muza]

Ohhh, priceless

 

[marval]

Here are some exam howlers.


Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of
Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their
own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high
that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because
the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was
a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw,
and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and
errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his
manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at
the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then
his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When
they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs
carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
along with their cabooses which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
were crowing. Finally, The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He
said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the
ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and
odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world. and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very
tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.